The things people say

I was standing on the corner waiting to cross the street the other night, with Nea on the leash and Adam on the stroller. A woman who was walking by paused to look at us and then burst out with "God, its annoying enough to have to walk a dog -- I can't imagine having a baby too!" and then walked on. LOL!

Sheer Genius!

Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to figure out. On Friday, Adam's teacher told me she had been up all night praying for the best way to help Adam adjust (which made me feel MUCH better about their attitude!) and said that God had shown her the way.

The Thomas the Tank Engine chair that Adam has claimed as his own was positioned so that he could see the door and the windows on that wall. Mrs. Helen said that everytime someone walked by it would catch his eye and he would look up and when it wasn't me, he would cry. She moved the chair where he isn't facing the door and window and oriented most of his activities facing away from the door -- and he was fine all day. The woman is a genius and I love her madly.

Apparently, I spoke too soon!

Daycare just called and said Adam won't nap, cries most of the day and only starts to play with the other kids late in the afternoon. I was afraid they were going to throw him out! I was able to talk to the teacher and explain that he's only been home since September 23 and has been through a lot of big changes in the past 3 months. I think she understood. Realistically, he's only been in daycare six and half days and I don't think that's enough time for him to adjust. He certainly can't be the only kid they've ever had who's had trouble adjusting to daycare!

Have any of you been through this? Any suggestions?

So on the fourth day of daycare.....

When I arrived to pick up Adam on his fourth day in daycare, the kids were in a part of the room where little chairs are set up in a "U" shape. Adam was sitting in a Thomas the Tank Engine chair on one side of the "U" and ALL the other kids were on the other side and he was just GLARING at them. LOL! I couldn't imagine what was going on. While we were saying goodbye, two of the caregivers said "Don't worry, Adam, we won't let anyone sit in your chair." "That's your chair, Adam."

When I picked him up yesterday, they were having a tea party -- but Adam was firmly ensconsed in the chair, holding his tea cup, and all the other kids were clustered around him.

I chose to take it as a positive sign - he's putting down roots and staking his claim! LOL!

What a face!

Yesterday was the big day.....

I go back to work Wednesday so I started Adam in daycare Monday. Its a lovely place -- the focus is on fostering self-esteem through learning. His day includes art time, reading time and dance and music time. I think he's going to have a ball! He did cry when I left him yesterday, but I made goodbye quick and simple. When I picked him up, it was snack time and he was sitting in a high chair quite contentedly playing. (Sitting quietly in a high chair has yet to happen in our house!) He started to cry when he saw me. The teacher said he did cry a lot, but that he did nap and had a bottle and ate a whole yogurt! I'm very impressed! He stopped crying by the time we got to the elevator and walked happily home and was fine all night.

I anticipate this morning would be harder, as he now would realize I was going to leave him there. There were no tears at all when we got to the building and when we got off the elevator he walked straight to his classroom and waved hello to the teacher! He did start to cry at the "hand off", but all in all, it could not have gone better. Whew!

By popular demand -- we have pictures!

Other than the not eating and not sleeping thing...

....first off, I want to thank everyone who chimed in on the sleeping issues Adam is experiencing. I should have clarified that he was waking as much before I tried the crib and is waking as much now that he is back in my bed. Last night, he fell asleep at 7, woke at 8:20, 10, 12, 2:30, 4 and then we got up at 6. Sigh. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it will be this way for a while -- in fact, since he'll be starting daycare next week, I can only assume it will get worse, before it gets better.

So, other than the not eating and sleeping thing, I've been remiss in talking about Adam. He is such a firecracker. He is definitely a challenging child, but an absolutely hilarious one who is very clearly his own person. Since the first day he consented to be put in the stroller, he has gotten the biggest kick out of the wind. Since he loves to be fanned and loves to fan himself, I guess it follows logically. No matter how cold the wind is, it makes him laugh. On Saturday, we had wind gusts in excess of 40 mph. He could barely stay standing and thought it was absolutely hilarious.

He loves dogs, birds and buses. He "talks" to everyone we pass on the street, cashiers, people in the grocery store. If they don't respond, he yells until they do. He has a fabulous sense of humor and is quite a jokester. His latest joke is he will pull one hand inside his sleeve and present the empty sleeve to me for my reaction to his missing hand!

But what the child loves more than anything is to walk. The longest distance I've clocked him at is a little over a mile -- and he only stopped because we arrived at our destination.

Just wait until he starts eating and sleeping!

I spoke too soon....

...ah, the crib. It was a beautiful dream. Adam sleeping peacefully and mama finally getting a full night's sleep without Adam kicking and flopping around. Alas, the dream has yet to come to fruition. This poor child cannot stay asleep. He goes to bed willingly and cheerfully and falls asleep fairly easily. But he cannot STAY asleep. He awakens about every hour to hour and a half all night LLLLOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG. He wants to sleep -- he tries hard to get back to sleep but gets so frustrated when he can't get back to sleep quickly.

I spent a few days sleeping on the floor in his room next to the crib, thinking perhaps it was the fact that he'd never slept in a room alone that was giving him trouble, but it didn't make any difference.

So, he's back in my bed. I'm getting a little more sleep as I'm not actually having to get out of bed to comfort him, but not much.

Has anyone else had this problem?

His energy level is very high and his mood is mostly good, so I'm not too worried, but I'm really really tired.

The milestones are coming fast and furious....

....its been a big few days -- not only did Adam say his first word -- "Nea" (the dog) -- but as we speak, he is sleeping.....IN HIS CRIB. Shhhh......

A bit better...

....so Oxford finally added Adam to my insurance policy and we had our first pediatrician visit yesterday. He did great -- mostly, I think, because he was so interested in all the new things to see. That is, of course, until the four shots.....but he got over that very quickly. He did gain a pound and grew almost an inch. Doctor says he's small, but healthy. She had no real concerns about his diet and prescribed some vitamins. She suggested we just attempt to reintroduce foods he's previously rejected after a period of time. He has added string cheese to the list of foods he's willing to eat, so that's a little protein at least. I was eating sloppy joes for lunch today and was shocked that he ate a few pieces of chopped meat. Progress!

I got a good laugh when Adam's certificate of citizenship arrived yesterday -- with both his name AND birthdate wrong. All they needed to do was copy the information off his paperwork and they blew it. They're doing a hell of a job in USCIS, aren't they? Good luck with that illegal alien thing.

We're going to the daycare center on Monday to talk about easing him into daycare. He's supposed to start fulltime Nov 26. I'm hoping he'll start a full week earlier and spend some time there with me, getting to know the place and the people, then have me leave for a brief time, so he knows I'll come back. Keep your fingers crossed! I think he'll ultimately do very well as he's extremely social.

And, he said his first word today! Was it Mama? No! It was "Nea", the dog's name! LOL!

So, I'm having a bad week....

....and it did not help this morning when, while out walking the dog with Adam, a man down the block asked if he was my GRANDSON! AAIIIIEEEE!!!! I comforted myself with the observation that the man was elderly, that his eyesight must be failing in his old age, and perhaps he was drunk. However, late this afternoon, while at a playground, I got the same question from a young mother. An elaborate Halloween joke, perhaps? Sigh.

Speaking of people just babbling freely when they should clearly just keep their thoughts to themselves, yesterday at the mall, a woman asked me how old Adam is. When I replied that he is 18 months old, she looked horrified and started carrying on "Well, he's much too small for his age! He should be much bigger than that!" I really really can't stand it.

So, I seem to have hit some sort of wall emotionally here, much to my own surprise. I'm suddenly having a very hard time. Adam is beautiful, healthy, smart as a whip, and hilariously funny and I can't believe I'm lucky enough that he is mine. But he is NOT what one would call an "easy" baby. And I'm feeling badly that I'm ...well...feeling badly. I'm tired and cranky and impatient, though, with extreme effort and deep breathing, I don't let the impatience surface in front of Adam. I'm pretty sure that most of this is normal and understand where a lot of it is coming from.

People don't talk about it often, but a lot of being home with a child is....gasp....boring. There is also a lot of fun and so many sweet moments, but I do find myself....bored....some of the time. I'm definitely not used to being home like this. I'm used to getting out to work and talking to adults every day. So that's a part of it.

Another part of it is Adam is at a challenging age -- moving into the terrible twos. I was thinking about it and while I imagine this is a tough time for any parent, if your child is with you from birth or adopted at a younger age, you have this relationship built up already and know the child as he/she moves through these stages. Adam and I were sort of thrust into this stage together. I can see down the road and think that once he can speak, that will alleviate some of the frustration we are both clearly feeling.

After a brief, joyous period of sleeping 12 uninterrupted hours, he's now waking up several times during the night. When he can't fall back asleep immediately, he gets so frustrated and angry. So you can add in sleep deprivation as a contributing factor to my mood.

He does have quite a temper and I've got to say that, when he's tired, he's a mean baby! LOL! He hits when he's tired and you say the dreaded "no" word.

On the bright side, I can see how much he's changed and how far he's come in the short time since we've been home. He understands absolutely everything that is said to him. Yesterday, around nap time, I asked him if he wanted to lay down and he nodded and turned and walked into the bedroom! I was stunned and impressed!

He's become soooo much more social and outgoing. I think his attachment is just about perfect. He's secure enough to be friendly, yet looks to me as sort of "home base". I noticed he has just about stopped most of the orphanage acquired self-soothing behaviors, like rocking on all fours when upset, and whipping his head violently back and forth to fall asleep -- turning, instead, to me for comfort.

I'm also frustrated with bureaucracy and paperwork -- we had an appointment Monday with the pediatrician. I had explained to them on the phone that Adam was adopted and just home from Vietnam. They advised me to bring any health information and vaccination records I had. When we got there, they asked for his adoption papers. Huh? Why would I have brought his adoption papers? "Well, how do we know you REALLY adopted him?" Sigh. Well, I would have been happy to bring them had anyone TOLD me to. It didn't matter in the long run, because it turned out that my insurance company STILL hasn't added him to my policy! I'm supposed to go back to work the Monday after Thanksgiving and I'm worried now that I won't be able to get his vaccinations in time to gently ease him into day care.

I told you I was having a bad week.

All Hail the Sandman.....

...after a very long detour from Vietnam, the sandman has finally arrived in our home -- as of Monday, Adam is sleeping -- wait for it -- 12 hours a night! He's going down between 6 and 7 p.m. and is good until at least 6 a.m. I can't decide what has made the bigger difference -- accepting the stroller or actually functioning in this time zone! Both of them have made us both very happy.

Adam learned two new things this week -- he suddenly knows that vehemently shaking his head means "no". And he has learned how to wave. He waves at every person we pass -- often starting to wave half a block away from the person he is targeting. And woe to the person who doesn't wave back! He yells at them until they do!

Today Adam decided he wanted to go for a "real" walk - sans stroller. He astounded me by walking to the end of our block and back, then back to the end of the block, then completely around the block! People were laughing at this tiny little thing so seriously walking by himself! Clearly my worrying about his diet is just silly.

Progess and baby steps

A million thank yous to the people who suggested adding rice cereal to the nighttime bottle! The first night I tried it, Adam slept from 6:30 until midnight, then 2 a.m. until 6:15 am. A HUGE difference. Last night he slept from midnight to 7 a.m.

We went on our first outing yesterday -- a friend who lives in Myrtle Beach was in Atlantic City for a few days so I rented a car and headed down for the day. After screaming bloody murder the entire way home from the airport in the car seat, I wasn't expecting a pleasant trip, but the boy surprised me. We had a little fussing for the first 10 minutes in the car seat, then he settled in and alternated sleeping and looking out the window for the rest of the two and a half hour drive. He did protest loudly the last 15 minutes or so of the trip, but I can't blame him for that! He'd been so patient and had finally had enough. He loved walking on the boardwalk and we had a lot of fun.


I was talking to my friend and another friend of hers about my concern about Adam's eating habits and her friend said something that made a lot of sense to me. Since all he was having in the orphanage was formula and soup, I can't expect him to eat like an 18 month old -- but rather like a much younger baby just adding solids to his diet. It was like the proverbial light going off in my head. So I'm going to relax a bit about it.

More stories from Vietnam

It wasn't until about the 4th day we were together that Adam revealed a big secret to me -- that he can walk! I'm not exactly sure why it was such a secret, but it was! He can also walk backwards, and much better than he walks frontwards! He finds the walking backwards hilarious and laughs the whole time he does it. Interestingly, the whole time we spent in Vietnam with the other families, he never walked in front of any of them. Apparently, that was classified information.

Even as he warmed up to me, Adam was pretty standoffish with the other families in the beginning. The exception was his best buddy in Vietnam, Brian. Brian and Ellen adopted 7 month old Owen from Can Tho. Adam adored him. Would constantly call out to him, and exchange silly faces. But didn't walk in front of him until near the end of our time in Hanoi.

The process in Vietnam was pretty flawless --- kudos to the Dillon staff. We only had one minor hitch on flying to Hanoi. It was a very long and hot day and the flight was a nightmare. Adam screamed the ENTIRE flight. And I do mean the ENTIRE flight. Have I mentioned that Adam has incredible stamina for screaming? He is all focus - trying to distract him only makes him madder. He's quite a character. I keep telling myself these are all good qualities that will stand him in good stead later in life.One of the wonderful things about the people of Vietnam is that in a situation like that, they ALL want to help. No one is mumbling and cursing under their breath. They reach out and try to help you calm the baby. I even had a man offer me healing oils to rub on Adam. This was the first and only point in the trip where I was struck buy the thought "Omigod, what have I done? How am I ever going to get this baby home if he can't take a flight of less than two hours?"

The Hanoi airport is another 90 minutes to 2 hours from the airport, so by the time we got to the Somerset Grand, everyone was really wiped out. We sat and sat and sat in the lobby for almost an hour until we were told there had been a mixup and the Somerset didn't have our reservations and we would be going to a nearby hotel for the night and returning to the Somerset the next day. So, all the bags got loaded back onto the bus, cranky and tired children were rounded up and we went. In the grand scheme of things, if you've got to have a screwup, this is the one to have. Easily handled, easily remedied.

On our return to the Somerset the next morning, we were all a touch giddy at the size of our rooms -- Adam and I had a livingroom, dining room, kitchen (complete with washing machine), two bedrooms and two bathrooms. Floor to ceiling windows in the living room with spectacular views of Hanoi. Pool, tennis courts, restaurants, children's playroom....well, here was the solution to the problem of the long flight home -- we would just stay here and live in the Somerset!

Hanoi retains a lot of the old French charm and is full of trees. Its also full of construction and business is booming. For all the old world charm, it felt much more European and modern than Ho Chi Minh City, and I have to confess I liked Ho Chi Minh City better. The people in Hanoi were polite and helpful, but somehow not as warm as in HCMC. I didn't see much of Hanoi, unfortunately. We did go to the waterpuppet show, which, with the except of actually getting Adam, was my favorite part of the trip. Don't miss it. Across the street from the waterpuppet theater is a beautiful lake with a temple in the middle that we visited after the show. Just lovely and peaceful.

The holy grail of Hanoi was the visa interview, scheduled for Thursday. (We had arrived in Hanoi on Monday and had hoped the Embassy could squeeze us in Tuesday as they were not working Wednesday that week, but it didn't work out. Everyone was so nervous about the Visa interview and we all toted accordion folders and files of birth certificates, tax returns, I171h's, etc. - basically every piece of paper we had accumulated along the adoption trail. We headed off to the Embassy, cleared security, and were herded into a room that could have been my local Department of Motor Vehicles. Why is it the American government offices are so gloomy and lacking in any sort of charm or decor? After a few moments, my name was called and I headed to the window. For those of waiting to travel, here was the visa interview in its totality -- Official: "Do you swear everything on this paper is true?" Me: "Yes" Official: "Sign here. You can pick up your visa at 4 tomorrow." Huh? That's it? Yep, that was it.

Of course, there was one little glitch yet to come -- on picking up the visa I noticed they had transposed the month and date of Adam's birth and rather than April 10, had it as October 4. I almost fainted. After briefly considering letting it go in hopes no one would notice, and worried that, as it was 4 pm on Friday that I would never get the visa back in time to head home that weekend, I reluctantly brought the visa back to the window. Twenty minutes later, I had the new visa. Thanks to Chuck, Cindy and Rhett for waiting with me. The scramble to change return tickets was now on.

.

Advice request - sleeping and eating problems

Ok, so I know we've only been home a little over two weeks, but the sleeping thing is still really messed up. Adam went from sleeping 12 hours a night religiously in Vietnam to sleeping in 3-4 hour spurts here. I'm just not clear on how to get him onto a good schedule in the right time zone! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

His eating habits have also changed. While in Vietnam, he would happily try any baby food offered and liked 99% of it. Since we came home, he's been more dependent on the bottle (I'm guessing its a comfort thing?) and less open to baby foods. He's basically eating only yo baby yogurt with cereal and fruit, and some of the fruity baby foods. He's been refusing anything with meat or vegetables in it. I did notice that the baby food in Vietnam had a much milder smell than the U.S. baby food and wondered if that could be part of it. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Miracle of miracles...

....the quality of my life improved vastly yesterday -- Adam suddenly decided that not only did he not hate and loathe the stroller, he decided that he loves it! For those of us who live in urban areas and are dependent upon public transportation, the stroller is the equivalent of a car. It is freedom! There is only so far you can go and so much you can do lugging an 18 pound baby in a hip hammock! Woo hoo! Now, if only we can conquer the sleeping thing....baby steps!

Two pictures while the computer is behaving....

Quick! The blog is working...

...and I'm going to try to sneak in another post while I have the chance. Here is a picture of the whole happy family -- well, Nea might not be too happy. Adam really likes her, but gets frustrated with her. He keeps trying to offer her toys and then gets frustrated when she doesn't accept them. LOL! She's pretty good at staying out of his way !

First, I want to offer some advice for the soon to travel, some advice that has been offered again and again and I didn't listen to it myself -- don't take so much stuff! You really really can get anything (except Dr Pepper) in Vietnam. I took way too much stuff and as a result had very little room for souvenirs. I didn't even use half the stuff I took. You can get by with a couple of pairs of shorts and capris and t-shirts, maybe one more dressy outfit. Having your laundry done at the Kim Do, should you stay there, is a treat not to be missed. My clothing looked better when it came back from the laundry than it did when I bought it!

After our rough first days, Adam started to warm up nicely and we could go out amongst civilized people again. Through the rough days, the bright spot was he consistently slept 12 hours a night. And he was willing to taste any baby food I offered and liked everything, with the exception of oreos! More for mama! He's been a little pickier since we got home, sticking mostly to fruits and yogurt with rice cereal mixed in. I noticed that the baby foods here have a stronger smell and taste than what I was able to buy in Vietnam. That might be part of it.

Note on formula: I tried to switch Adam from the Vietnamese formula to Similac when we got home and he reacted as if I'd switched him to liquid cocaine -- he was happy as can be, but zipping around the apartment like he was in a pinball machine! I experimented by taking him off and putting him back on and get the same response. Given his age, and the fact that the Vietnamese formula was basically powdered milk, I switched him to whole milk and he seems to be doing well.

I'm sorry that I didn't see as much of Ho Chi Minh City I wanted to, but it was harder than I'd thought it would be with a baby. Especially with a baby who viewed a stroller as an ancient Vietnamese torture device. The hip hammock is great for carrying him, but the heat, especially lugging an 18 pound load, was almost unbearable so all our jaunts were pretty short.

We did make it to the zoo in Ho Chi Minh City. The grounds, landscaping and the buildings were absolutely gorgeous and there was a nice variety of animals. Unfortunately, to conditions of the animals cages was poor and way behind anything we have here in the US. Still, worth the trip. Go in the morning before the heat is at its worst.

Adam I celebrated my birthday with another Vinh Long baby, Phung, who turned three the day day before my birthday. His parents graciously added my name to his yummy cake and we had a little party in the restaurant at the Kim Do.

The rest of our time in Ho Chi Minh city was spent bonding, hanging out with the other families and going off to various interviews -- all of which Adam screamed through The doctor at the medical exam told me he had good lungs! LOL! In his visa picture, he is, you guessed it, screaming. The doctor burst out laughing when he saw it and called over other staff to look at it and then point to the screaming Adam and they all laughed.

He's definitely a boy who likes to be on the go! As long as you have him in the hip hammock and are walking, he's fine and happy. Stop, and he screams. Whenever we were in a car or minvan, he was happy as a lark while the car was moving. Stop signs? Traffic lights? He protested mightily.

I can't praise the Kim Do highly enough. It is simply the most gracious hotel I have ever been in. The staff goes far above and beyond what you would expect to keep you happy and comfortable. The general manager even sent me a beautiful basket of flowers on my birthday! I can't say enough good things about them.

What everyone says about the Vietnamese is absolutely true, they LOVE babies and are very vocal and physical about it. I was scolded no less than six times in about an hour one day because Adam didn't have a hat on. Since I didn't know how to say "The only way he will keep a hat on would be if I super glued it to his head" in Vietnamese, I simply humbly accepted my scolding and moved on.

What day is it? What time is it? Have I eaten today?

We're a little confused here in NJ. After sleeping 12 hours a night religiously since I picked him up, Adam is a little off kilter here. He stayed up until midnight, woke up again at 4 a.m., then went done at 7 a.m. and slept until 5:30 p.m. Its just 11 p.m. now and he went down again about half an hour ago -- not sure if its a nap or for the night.




Ok, so where were we? The cow suitcase helped me find Cindy, Tam's mom. Sunday morning, I got in the elevator to check out and head to the province, the doors opened on another floor, and the person standing there cried out "I'd know that suitcase anywhere!" LOL!




We headed to the lobby and she went off to Can Tho with Ellen and Brien and Jean anne and Chuck and I climbed onto my bus with two lovely families - Karen and Martin from London, who were adopting a two and a half year old girl, and Carl and Kim and their three children, Kaitlynn, Andrew and Rebecca who were adopting an almost 3 year old boy. The three children were so much fun to have along. They had given up their birthday gifts this year -- asking their friends to bring donations for the orphanage instead.




The drive to Vinh Long seemed endless - 3 and a half hours. After waiting so long that last stretch was tough. I thought I would lose my mind when they announced we were stopping for lunch! The restaurant was right on the Mekong Delta and the scenery was lovely, as were the geckos on the ceiling. The food was good, and the bill was amazing -- 8 people, $15!


We finally made it to the orphanage and were surrounded by the most beautiful, loving, curious children I've ever met. The two other families spotted their children immediately, but Adam was no where to be seen. Finally one of the nannies, came down the stairs, handed him to me and walked away. Those of you who have already had children this age can imagine his reaction -- he screamed his bloody brains out. And continued screaming for pretty much the entire visit. So much so that they removed us and put is in a separate room. I made a dandy first impression.




After a while, when it became clear he was not about to warm up to me that day, I went back to the main area with the other children. The nannies kept snatching him away from me and vanishing. I don't know if they were afraid I wouldn't take him because he was crying, or if they just wanted more time alone with him. I backed off and played with the other children and wanted to take every single one of them home with me.


We headed to the Golf Hotel in Can Tho for the evening and I had a lovely dinner with Chuck and Cindy and Jean anne and Chuck. Our G&R was scheduled for 9 a.m. At 9 a.m., we got the word it had been postponed until 10:30. Next notice had it at 1:30 so we went to lunch. Note to those of you yet to travel and may end up at the same restaurant, which we called the "Rice and..." Restaurant. The menu was basically pork and rice, shrimp and rice, etc. I ordered the chicken and rice. I guess I should have specified "No feet please". (I'm having trouble uploading pics, but will show you the appetizing selection in a future post)


The last postponement had the G&R set at 3. Adam screamed so loud and long he was removed from the ceremony! I was convinced the officials were going to say "No baby for you!". Much to my surprise they didn't. You'll be surprised to hear Adam screamed the ENTIRE ride back to Ho Chi Minh City. Note I say screamed -- not cried. This was the no tears absolutely enraged scream. There is a sincere cry, complete with tears. And then there's the "I want that NOW!" growl, which sounds a little like a demon baby. Definitely a strong personality!




Scroll down and refresh your memory of the picture of the social worker in Vinh Long holding a screaming Adam. Remember how I said that was my new favorite picture? Well, good thing -- as that's pretty much what Adam looked like for the next three days! Boy, did this baby hate me! Everytime he would doze off and wake again, he'd look like he was thinking "Oh damn! It wasn't a dream! She's still here!"

Many many apologies!

I ended up not being able to bring my laptop to Vietnam and assumed I would be able to go to the business center and update you every other day or so. Well, that worked fine until I actually HAD Adam. I have soooo much to tell you all! We just arrived home this evening (Sunday) around 10 p.m. The trip home contained an oh so lovely 10 hour layover in Tokyo, which became a 12 hour layover when the plane was delayed. Imagine it -- you're a 17 month old baby who falls asleep at 6:30 p.m. only to be awakened at 8:30 and dragged to the Hanoi airport for a midnight flight. On the bright side, you sleep through 3/4 of that 5 and a half hour flight, only to find yourself in Tokyo at 6:45 a.m. with nothing to do until your plane leaves at 4:45 p.m. As if that weren't bad enough, the flight is delayed until 7 p.m., which brings the time spent in the airport to just a little over 12 hours. And THEN you get onto the plane for another 11 hours and 55 minutes. Let's just say it was not pretty.

Just wanted to let you all know we are ok, Adam is wonderful, and I have plenty of stories to tell -- tomorrow.

Hot and Heavy

Ok, so its a little hard to navigate blogspot because its all in Vietnamese so I don't know what happened with those last two posts!

The cow suitcase and I have arrived! I must confess that the cow suitcase feels like I am dragging around a whole cow -- I think I might have over packed! Hopefully, once the gifts and orphanage donations are out of it it will be more manageable.

I arrived late Friday night after a smooth, but long, trip and came in on the same flight as a couple from St. Louis, Ellen and Brian, who are picking up their son in Can Tho. I haven't hooked up with any of the other families yet.

Has anyone mentioned that its hot here? I think its 3000 degrees with 5000% hunmidity, but that's just an estimate.

The Kim Do is just lovely! Really beautifully decorated and very comfortable. And the air conditioner in my room works! (That was pretty much my main criteria for a room!) None of the hallways are airconditioned, so once you leave the room its sauna time.

I spent the day wandering around. WHen I left the hotel this morning I was immediately approached by one of those bicycle guys who wanted to drive me around. I said no, I wanted to walk. He said that was ok, he would walk with me. LOL! He followed me for blocks, chatting away until I finally caved and climbed in. He drove me to the war museum, which is very interesting and sobering. Worth seeing! My friend happily waited outside for me to finish and then drove me around the city pointing out sites. I think he might have ripped me off a teeny bit. Oh well, lesson learned!

The traffic here is absolutely hilarious! Being from the NYC area, I was prepared for the volume of it, but the seeming lack of any actual road rules and the fact that everyone just lets everyone one else cut in, or cross in front of them so nicely is VERY different. It all seems to work, somehow -- organized chaos. Found the Saigon Tax Center, and then found a nice supermarket and stocked up on snacks.

Met a man in the mall who's sister just graduated nursing school here and is taking a vacation to NY to job hunt. He wanted to know everything about NYC. He asked me to come to his house and tell his mother that she will be safe in NYC. I begged off, and decided he can bring them to the hotel to talk to me if he wants, but I'm not comfortable going to his house.

We are meeting in the lobby at 9 a.m. Sunday for the trip to Vinh Long! I can't believe the day is FINALLY almost here! More when we get back from Vinh Long.

Have they meniuon\\\

So far so good!

I'm in the Tokyo airport waiting for my connection to Ho Chi Minh City. It was 13 hours from Newark to tokyo and while it wasn't bad, I don't think its going to be much fun with a baby! LOL! I can just see my fellow passengers grounding when Adam and I get on!

I have only two minutes on the computer because I don't have any more yen! Will try to get on again when I hit Ho Chi Minh City. I hope this works, because the blogspot page is in japanese and I don't know how to change it to english!

3 more days until G&R! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!

The best laid plans...

.... last night I happily dragged the box containing the crib into the living room, opened it, and started the long-awaited process of putting it together. The instructions were simple and clear and I was relieved to see I would be able to do it myself. I'm happily moving along, successfully attaching the back legs to the appropriate back piece/headboard of the crib and come to the step of attaching the front legs. I get out the appropriate hardware and turn to my pile o' pieces to get the front legs and....there aren't any. I run to the box and open it, thinking I've left them in the box, but no! There aren't any! AAAIIIIEEEE!!!! I can't tell you how many times I went back to the box and triple and quintuple checked, as if the front legs were going to magically appear. LOL! I never learn about doing things at the last moment.

I'm not going to stress about it. The legs will be here by the time we get back and all will be well. I'm going to get everything else in order and happily get on that plane tomorrow. Will the air marshalls arrest me if I joyously greet the crew with hugs?

I got a nice going-away gift today -- this updated photo of a sleepy, cranky looking boy -- maybe he's having a bad dream? Don't worry boo boo, Mama's on her way!

Holy Guacamole Batman!

The dog has been delivered to her temporary abode, the shopping is done, 75% of packing completed -- and I'm leaving in just about 36 hours! Guess its time to get cracking on that crib.....lol!

Great Expectations

This boy is in for a real letdown when he sees the floors at my house! LOL!

Another picture.....

From Jessica -- Thanks!

On my way home from my second trip to the Bronx Zoo this summer...

....I was thinking about all the things I like to do and am interested in -- zoos, aquariums, amusement parks. Until he's about 11 or 12, Adam is likely to think I am the coolest, most fun mom ever. After that, he will be completely embarassed by me.

Tickets! I have tickets!

I'm leaving from Newark on September 6, flying Continental to Tokyo, then JAL from Tokyo to Ho Chi Minh City. I'll be meeting Adam on September 9! The G&R is set for September 10th, 5 days before my birthday! The best early birthday present anyone could hope for! Right now, we're scheduled to come home September 28, but I'm 90% sure it will be earlier.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to control myself in the orphanage -- I'm going to want to tuck all the babies into the cow suitcase and take them home with me!

So, today I was going to post about...

....money. About how money is such a charged issue in my family and I don't want it to be so for Adam. How I'm planning to educate him about money, how I plan to teach him by having him divide any money gifts he receives into portions -- one third for long term savings for big items he wants, one third for him to spend as he wishes, and one third for charitable donations. I was going to write about how maybe twice a year, perhaps on his birthday and on the anniversary of our forever family day, we would decide together on the charity to receive his donations. But I'm not going to write about that today. Because TODAY is the day I got my Giving and Receiving gate -- Adam will be in my arms on September 10! His 17 month birthday and 5 days before my birthday! Could there be a better early birthday gift!

Ok, Vinh Long officials...

....I have my Visa in my hot little hands....I am ready for the call.......

My Family's Claim to "Fame"

In July of 1945, an Army plane crashed into the Empire State Building. My paternal grandfather, who worked for War Relief Services of the National Catholic Welfare Conference was one of the people killed in the crash. He helped guide several of his office mates to safety -- an interesting twist is that one of the women he helped save was the future mother of Philippe Petit -- who in 1974 walked a highwire between the Twin Towers.

My grandfather left 4 children under the age of 12 and a pregnant wife who miscarried days later.

My grandmother was the first private citizen to sue the United States Government and win. I'm not sure of the amount of the settlement, but know it was small and inadequate for her to raise four children. (Money, of course, can never replace a loved one but I can't help but imagine how much money she would have gotten had this happened today?)

Years later, one of my uncles met a man on a plane who, recognizing the last name, asked if he was related to one of the crash victims. He went on to say that he was a lawyer and if my uncle ever wanted to reopen the case, he should be in touch because he was there when the pilot took off and he was drunk! Damn, we should OWN the Empire State Building.

It helps me to understand why people are the way they are and why they behave the way that they do. Its interesting to wonder how my father's life would have been different had his father lived and what impact it would have had, in turn, on my childhood and that of my brothers. All I can come up with is that it would have been different, but I don't know that it would have necessarily been better. At one time, my grandfather was in the seminary studying to be a priest. He was asked to leave because he was "too rigid" for the Catholic Church. Hoo boy! Now, even today, the Catholic Church is not exactly known for its flexibility. I can't imagine how rigid "too rigid" was for the Catholic Church in the 1920s! Thus, "different", but not necessarily "better".

The dreaded "S" word....

...has finally been spoken. September. As in "Hoping for a September G&R...

Woman on the edge

The problem is, there just isn't ENOUGH chocolate! My "acting as if" did indeed carry me through the weekend. The really cool cool cow suitcase arrived and now has all of Adam's things packed in it. I finally got started on moving from one bedroom to the other with an eye towards getting started painting Adam's room this weekend. I picked up my typhoid and malaria meds -- if anyone needs to know, the typhoid vaccine is $80. Its the only one of all the vaccines that Oxford didn't cover. I guess they don't mind shelling out for typhoid treatment. LOL! Oh well, $80 is a bargain not to get typhoid.

My positive attitude momentum started to flag a little this morning but came crashing to a halt at about 1:30 when I found out that my visa is back, but that the embassy only gave me a ONE-MONTH visa! AAAIIIEEEE!!!!!

And, of course, its Tuesday, when Katie and Jynger have the all day social worker meetings so I can't get them on the phone and can't proceed without them. Do I send it back to be re-done? Well, that's another 10 days for processing, so I have to be sure my travel date won't comeup in those 10 days and I will be without my passport and visa. If I can be assured I will travel and be home by September 15 (my birthday, coincidentally), then I can leave it be. This amorphous "I think sometime soon but can't really say" travel date makes thing so stressful and complicated.

I realized how very close I am to the edge at all times with the adoption. It's been 5 months since my referral. In 3 weeks it will be 5 months since my log-in date. And I have just had enough. I have hit the wall.

Acting as if.....

...that's my motto for today. I'm acting "as if" I've gotten the call with my G&R date. I put in my prescriptions for the typhoid vaccine and the malaria med malarone and will pick them up at 5 p.m. Last night, I bought bottles, bottle liners, baby toothpaste and some kiddie meds -- mylicon and teething tablets. I bought a new suitcase for the trip which should be delivered today. It makes me laugh everytime I think about it -- it will certainly be easy to spot on the conveyor belts!

Once it arrives, I'm going to pack all of Adam's things in it. Then I am going to eat some more chocolate. Denial only goes so far.

Moving the pity party...

....the pity party is going on the road! Well, not very FAR on the road..actually just downtown. I'm having dinner tonight with three other VN adoptive moms to be, including Meredith from the Dillon List. The timing is nice -- it should distract me from my grinchiness. Its time for me to start building a local support network for when Adam comes home. And its WAY past time for me to have my first experience with Vietnamese food! And perhaps to learn how to say "Oh dear god, please, no fish sauce!" in Vietnamese....

I'm feeling a bit like this guy today...

The high from being told to apply for my Visa has worn off and is being replaced with little dark, Grinchy, uncharitable feelings as others in the Visa group have gotten their G&R dates...and I haven't. I've been waiting two months longer than they have and no G&R for me! So, I'm having a little pity party here in New York City. I think there will be chocolate. A lot of it.

Not Mastercard, not American Express.....

....and not Discover but VISA! VISA! VISA! I got the word to apply for my visa -- for entry starting August 15th! Sorry, I have no other coherent thoughts to share...just VISA! VISA! VISA! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Follow up to a earlier post

Erin from the Dillon list asked me a question about my post regarding the book "Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion" and my beliefs in regard to raising Adam. She asked if I would allow him the same freedom to make his own decision, as I have. It was such a good question it warranted revisiting the issue. The answer is yes, I absolutely plan to allow him the freedom to make his own choices when it comes to religion. Interestingly, that is one of the points in the book Parenting Beyond Belief. It suggests you expose the child to all different belief systems and religion very openly, including your own, of course, and if he shows an interest in one, be open to allowing him to develop it. So, that's what I plan to do! I already have a beautiful book of Buddhist Fairy Tales!

On wanting a reader

If the riches of the Indies, or the crowns of all the kingdoms of Europe, were laid at my feet in exchange for my love of reading, I would spurn them all” - Francois Fenelon

I'm of the mindset that half the fun of raising a child is discovering who they turn out to be. To nurture and guide them and provide them with opportunities so that they are secure and happy and able to develop into the person they are meant to be and find their path to a meaningful, happy life. So, I'm not sitting here hoping and planning that Adam will be a doctor or a lawyer (although if he would like to be a professional baseball player, perhaps the first Vietnamese shortstop in New York Mets history...with season tickets for his Mom....)

That being said, oh, how I want him to be a reader. For all the obvious reasons -- and some a little less obvious. Thomas Jefferson said "I cannot live without books" Or chocolate. (Ok, maybe the part about chocolate wasn't Thomas Jefferson .....) And that's exactly how I feel. About books and chocolate.

In a difficult and painful childhood, books were always there. For many years they provided escape and fantasy and fun. How could you be bored when there were books to be read? In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss: The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.” I want that for Adam.

But, later, they took on a different and even more important role. I started to get the idea that perhaps everyone was not like my family, that there were other ways of being, other types of lives, and that maybe, just maybe, mine could be different as well. That maybe I didn't have to be the person this childhood and this situation was molding me into. What a gift! And books helped me figure out how to attain that different kind of life, to learn out who I really was away from all the drama and pain, the kind of person I wanted to be. And they guided me to the help I needed to do all that hard work.

And now they are helping me prepare to be the best mama to a very special little boy so he can be the best and the happiest that he can be.

Oh, how I hope Adam will be a reader.

Whew!

Choosing a guardian is a daunting task. As a single parent, it is especially important and I wanted to have it in place before I travel to pick up Adam. When I had to name someone as guardian on my agency application, I immediately put one of my brothers and his wife as a sort of "placeholder".

Now that there is a real child and he will be here soon (fingers crossed!) I had to sit and think the whole thing through carefully. I know my brother and sister-in-law would take Adam without hesitation. But there was a lot to consider. Their financial situation. Some very real differences in our politics, world views and ideas on parenting, gender roles, race etc. The specific ways our childhood affected him The fact that they live in Florida. (Apologies in advance to Floridians! I am a New Yorker, heart mind and soul. Florida is just a very different place from New York.) And I realized that while they will be a wonderful aunt and uncle, its not where I want Adam to be if something happens to me.

I have a very dear cousin who immediately came to mind as a potential guardian. She and her husband live about half an hour from me and have similar politics, ethics and attitudes about children and childrearing. I love how they parent their 3 children. I had no doubt they were who I wanted as guardians. But I was so scared to ask them! Its quite a huge thing to ask of someone. And I WAY overthought the whole thing and drove myself crazy. You can't believe how many things I worried about -- Was it the sort of thing you ask in email or is that inappropriate? Should it be in person or would a phone call suffice? Did both she and her husband have to be there or could I ask her and let her discuss it with him? Could I ask in front of her kids?

We were going to a family shower this past weekend -- would it be appropriate to ask in the car? If so, should I ask on the way there, or on the way back? I started to worry that since they were so terrific, many other people must have already asked them and my asking would be just too much - how many kids could they handle? I worried I would put them on the spot and they'd feel obligated to say yes, but wouldn't really want to. LOL! Clearly, I haven't had enough therapy.

I took the train out to her house on Saturday for the trip up to Connecticut and the shower with all these worries running through my head. And after talking to the children for a few minutes, getting the gifts and the hand me down clothing she had for me into the car, there was this one sudden moment where she and I and her husband were alone. I blurted it out and they both answered yes almost before I could finish the question! They were thrilled and so am I!

Thank you, Jessica!

I want to thank Jessica, who just picked up her son Beckett in Vinh Long for the new pictures of Adam, including the famous meltdown picture, which is now my new favorite! She also took the time to tell me a little bit about him:

Adam truly seems to be a happy little fellow, despite photos to the contrary. I think he was just freaked out by the number of strangers in the room and he hated the camera flash. The nanny took him downstairs to the toddler room to calm him down, and as it turns out he's very social. Just seeing the other kids almost instantly cheered him up. Hopefully this doesn't spoil anything for you, but if I were you I'd want to know... He crawls. He crawls fast! If baby olympics existed I'd say you should sign him up because he blazes across the floor. You better get your house proofing underway

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It means more to me than I can say.

I WANT MY MAMA NOW!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

I SAID NOW!!!

DON'T MAKE ME BITE YOU!

Gratuitous cute children photos

For no reason other than that I am crazy about them and think they are the best looking bunch, here are Adam's cousins. Left to right, Richie is 16, Ashley is 3, Nicky is 9 and Daniel is 14.

Adam is going to have a great time with the boys, and will have a blast with Ashley, once he realizes she is queen of the universe!

On Nicky's 8th birthday, I came to Florida to surprise him. See the big box on the right side of this picture? I hid in the box and he opened me! What a fun memory! This picture also includes Sean, on the left. Sean is my brother's stepson. Sean was in our family from age 2 until shortly after this photo was taken. His mother left my brother and moved him and his brother Matt away and we haven't seen them since, despite our efforts. I hope he will come back to us when he is a little older. Sean and Matt will always be my nephews in my heart and I hope they will get to meet Adam.

Another 'no update' update and assorted ramblings

How frustrating is the "no update" update? You see the email pop up in your inbox from your agency and your heart leaps -- and then you open it and see that there is actually no update. Sigh.

This part of the process is excruciating -I hate not being able to do anything to move this forward. Since there truly is nothing I can do except sulk and whine, and those are less than productive past times, I've decided to try and shift my attitude and focus on the positive things about the waiting period. (I can't swear it will work, but I'm going to try!)

On the positive side, I have had a lot of time to read about adoption issues and child development. I just finished "Attaching in Adoption", which was terrific. I've also read the classic "The Magic Years", and a great book called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys".

On Friday, I received "Toddler Adoption" and "Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion". I'm very excited to read both of them. (Disclaimer: please please, dear readers, do not take me to task about "Parent Beyond Belief". I completely respect the feeling and beliefs of those whose religious beliefs ares central to their lives. My beliefs are as deeply felt and important to me and have been arrived at after a life time of searching and reading and learning. My mind is not going to be changed on this issue at this point in my life.)

I've had the time to network and become involved in the internet support community of families with children from Vietnam. I have learned so much from the assorted groups I belong to and the blogs of those who have "been there/done that". Following the blogs of parents as they travel have been especially illuminating and helpful.

I'm starting to take the next step and actually meet people from these lists in my area -- I look forward to getting to know more parents and children and having their support and friendship in our lives once Adam comes home, and being able to give my support and friendship in return.

All this invaluable information and support and friendship -- what did we do before the internet?

Its time to get started on Adam's room. I've had the crib for over a year, and received most of the other furniture and items at my shower in November. Its going to be a lot of work -- I'm moving into the second bedroom in my apartment and Adam will have the room that is currently mine. So, aside from assembling the crib and dresser/changing table, I've got to move my own furniture and paint. I hope this project can absorb a lot of my attention and distract me from the wait.

Ok, I'm being positive. Do I get rewarded with a REAL update now?

Timing is everything

There was a brief...uh...."spirited discussion" on the Dillon list this week about older mothers, initiated by a negative comment about older parents. At 48, I am one of them. Although parenting was always my plan, I had to wait to implement it. There were many reasons to wait. I wanted my situation to be as perfect as I could make it, emotionally, financially. I never felt pressured by time in terms of fertility because I always knew that adoption was an option. .

I have a strong faith that everything happens for a reason and that life takes you where you were meant to be. Every door that closes in your life leads you in the direction that you are meant to go. If life had worked that way I wanted (instead of the way life wanted!) I would have loved to have 4 children within the framework of marriage. That hasn’t happened and I am convinced that the reason is that I was being gently pushed in the direction of adoption, to that child who is meant to be mine.

I spent a lot of time babysitting in the last 15 years., mostly because I get a great deal of joy from the kids and because it has been a tremendous learning experience for me. My experiences babysitting, getting to know these families, and observe their interactions, family dynamics, relationships, and results have been an invaluable experience -- aside from being tremendous fun! I can see the difference between these kids and me when I was young - they are, for the most part, so confident, so sure of who they are, where I was so shy. And I can see what the parents are doing that gets these results. It has been invaluable to me to experience ways of parenting other than what I experienced. My relationships with these children keeps me aware of the wonder of the world -- everything is so new and exciting and wonderful to a child. I enjoy being able to maintain that perspective and my relationships with these children and their families are precious to me. And observing a lot of these marriages, from the really special, to the good, to the nightmares, has also taught me a lot about healthy relationships.

Practically speaking, I wasn't financially ready. The last few years, I’ve made very deliberate decisions in my life with the eventual aim of having a child. The benefits my job provides include $2,000 towards an adoption and they will cover 50% of my childcare expenses. After 10 years of service (July 1 of this year), I am guaranteed health care benefits for the rest of my life. (My company also has an office in Vietnam. I like knowing that I have colleagues in Vietnam who could be of help during the process and make it easier for me to someday return to show my child the land of his birth.)

When I was ready to purchase a home almost 5 years ago, I chose a 2-bedroom condominium in a very diverse neighborhood undergoing gentrification. Jersey City is a vital mix of cultures. There is a public elementary school on the next block and a daycare center run by Franciscan nuns half a block away.

I have several close friends who have adopted – one family has two children adopted domestically, another a son from Chile and a daughter from Mexico. Yet another has a biracial son. The more I talk to people about my adoption plans, the more people I learn are adopted themselves (there are at least 4 people in my office around my age who have shared the fact they are adopted with me. I imagine this unusual number is due to the stigma of unwed motherhood in late 1950s and early 1960s.) They have all been invaluable resources to me. I’ve been able to watch the kids grow up and struggle with their adoption issues, and talk to the adults who’ve experienced it themselves. I’ve been very lucky.

I am confident knowing I have close friends parenting both adopted and interracial children for support and guidance. And that my child will have a built-in network of kids who will know exactly how he feels, because they have been there themselves.

I do understand the concern expressed about lifespan of older parents, but, really, do any of us have a guarantee at a long life? All parents need to make guardianship plans for the children, no matter their age. I have one for mine.

Should I have been irresponsible and had a child when it would have meant financial disaster? Should I have "settled" and had a child with the wrong man? In an unhealthy or unhappy marriage? I did spend several years trying to get pregnant and had two miscarriages. The person I was in a relationship with at the time had a child from another relationship and, as time went by, and she got older, he realized he did not want the responsibility of another child. Should I have have gone ahead and had a childwith a man who did not want me to do so? The very last thing I would do is to have a child with someone who did not want that child. That was a dealbreaker for me and the relationship ended. Should I have had a child before I knew who I was, and knew what it was to be emotionally healthy? It would have absolutely been wrong on so many levels for me to have had children when I was younger. I come from a highly dysfunctional family and needed these years on my own to heal, to learn, to experience other ways of being. Would any of these scenarios be preferable to having an older parent?

The world has changed and older parents are not an oddity. 50 today is not what 50 was 20 years ago. Of all the parents I sat for, none of the mothers was less than 40 when they had their first child, all having established careers in the environmental field. Of my charges that are now in college, one got early admission to Brown, one is at Duke, one is finishing a semester abroad in South Africa. They are lovely, intelligent, politically and socially active children.

So, here I sit. A parent to be who could not want to be a parent more! A parent to be with a secure job, who owns a home in a diverse neighborhood. A parent to be with years of experience with children and families. Who has traveled both within the US and overseas, who is comfortable with and open to the "different". A parent to be who has spent her adulthood getting to know who she is and becoming who she wants to be. Who is happy and secure in herself and her life and her relationships. What could be better?

What a gift

In addition to the beautiful pictures of Adam she sent me, Elisabeth from the Dillon List, who is currently in Vietnam picking up her son Noah, sent me this lovely note telling me about the time she spent with Adam. Pictures are precious, but this is my first glimpse of him as a person, rather than an image:

Hello Kathy!
I wanted to send you a short message and tell you just a bit about your sweet little Adam! He is ADORABLE! When we walked into the room the first day he was very interested in us and our purpose there in the baby room. He did get a little fussy because there was so much going on. It is hard when their day is interrupted. But he soon calmed down and watched everything. It was on our second day in the orphanage that I really got to see his personality! He absolutely LOVES attention. Especially fromt the nannies. He is very attached to the nannies, which is wonderful! He started to get a little upset because he really wanted out of his crib to explore! So when the nanny took him out he was crawling everywhere! He would crawl under the cribs and just sit, then crawl under another crib and just sit. He really was crawling towards us but kept enough distance from us that I could not snatch him up and kiss him. (unless I was willing to crawl under a crib...........which I decided would not be the best. :)) Then one of the nannies took him by his arm and helped him walk a bit! He was very active and loving every minute of it. You need to rest up now because this little guy is going to keep you very busy! On the third day he remembered me and I walked up to his crib and rubbed his face and he REALLY liked it! I actually got a great smile out of him, but of course I did not have my camera. So he likes his head rubbed. I rubbed his head, well his face really, a few more times and he was quite happy. You can tell that he really loves his caregivers and is quite attached to them, however he really wanted to get to know us and was very curious about us. I would suggest when you come, bring or buy when you arrive some sort of small pillow. He always had a pillow in his hand when he was in his crib. He would also crawl towards one if it was on the floor. It was kind of like his security. At least when we were there. It may not be by the time you arrive. You are just going to love him and he is going to love you! I would suggest when you enter the room for the first time you let him get a good look at you first and kind of just make your way over to him slowly. Then just rub his face. He is very gentle and needs to warm up to those he doesn't know, but once he warms up he has such a cute little personality!
I can't wait to follow your journey to get him!
Elisabeth

Wow. What an amazing and generous gift -- especially the time and attention spent on my son. It means so much to me. It will be a priceless addition to Adam's life book. And yet.....

And yet...mixed in with the very sincere gratitude, there came the jealousy. I wanted it to be me! For the first time, the waiting feels painful. There are times when its been frustrating, of course, but this has suddenly become hard.

Its always a happy day...

...when new pictures arrive! Many, many thanks to Elisabeth from the Dillon Board who was kind enough to send me six pictures of Adam, taken on May 14 while she was in Vinh Long picking up her son.

No news on paperwork, but I started my vaccinations today. Got Hep A and the first Hep B and a polio booster. I go back in a few weeks for the second Hep B and tetanus. Better safe than sorry. I have a prescription for malaria meds and for the typhoid vaccine, which is now oral. I am ready to go! I am MORE than ready to go!

The "no update" update

I got the following "update" today - Wanted to let you know that we received updates today from Vietnam. An’s dossier is still being compiled, which can take 30-45 business days or longer after log in date. We will keep posted on future updates. Sigh. So, effectively, its the "no update" update! We're only at day 29 since my log-in date (and I think there may have been a Vietnamese holiday or two in the interim) so I really wasn't expecting the dossier to be complete, so why was the email so deflating? And just how big can the little guy's dossier be anyway? LOL!

.

Nothing new, just more waiting, nesting, thinking....

I'm pretending that I'm getting good at waiting -- but I'm not so secretly awful at it! I go through my day, and do my job, and smile and appear normal -- when I simply want to scream "I want my baby NOW!" LOL! But, that would be less than productive, wouldn't it?

I met a lovely woman last week from my SingleAdopt NY list who was getting rid of clothing her 8 year old son had outgrown -- it was mostly gently used, but some of the clothign was never worn. I got two HUGE shopping bags of clothing, toys, and other items for $45 -- including two beautiful silk outfits from Vietnam. I'm hoping Adam can wear one of the silk outfits for our Giving and Receiving Ceremony.

More importantly, I made my first non-online contact with an adoptive parent. I've been doing all my networking online, which is totally my comfort zone. Time to venture out of it!

New pictures of a very unhappy boy

I received some new photos of Adam this week. He was definitely not a happy camper! Maybe he doesn't like his new haircut - lol! Look at his long fingers and toes! Its not easy seeing him upset and not being able to comfort him. He needs his mama!

Paperwork completed - again!

After a morning of running around NYC, I got the copy of my new I-171H county certified and got the apostille and its on its way to the agency via fedex! I should hire myself out as a consultant to people completing international adoption paperwork!

I also received on update on Adam from my agency today -- he weighs 16 lbs and is 27 inches long. It helps make him real to be able to imagine his size.

Now, some more waiting.

Good News/Bad News Update

Much to my delight, I received a new I-171H, with a signature of a Homeland Security official added to it! Whew! Have to have the copy notarized, county certified and get the apostille and then -- I hope -- I'm home free!

Doggie mama drama

Now, if you are not an animal lover, you might as well stop reading right here or just resign yourself to thinking that I am completely insane in making a comparison between parenthood and dog ownership.

We always had dogs growing up, but in all the years since I moved out of my parents home, I was petless. I used to say that if I was going to get a dog, I might as well have a baby because its almost as much responsibility, except you can't leave the baby home all day with a bowl of food and a bowl of water. LOL!

Well, a special dog came into my life with a renewed relationship with an ex-boyfriend and we fell in love with each other. After 5 years together the human relationship ended -- not for the first time in the on-and-off relationship of many years -- and he and the dog exited my life. A year later, he turned up again. He had lost his apartment and couldn't have the dog where he would be staying -- would I take her? I jumped at the chance and restrained myself from telling him I had missed the dog far more than I had missed him.

Nea has been with me for two years now. She is a 14-year old dachshund/terrier mix with the sweetest disposition and lively as a puppy. She is smart as a whip, makes me laugh every day, and is great company. No matter how tired, stressed or even cranky I am at the end of the day, I forget all about it at her joyous greeting. Last fall she developed disc disease in her back and while at the vet, I learned she also had a heart murmur AND a mammary tumor and would need surgery to remove the tumor and spay her (tumors are hormonally fed) after we got her stabilized on meds for the back pain. It took several months to gradually taper the steroids to the lowest possible level that would control her pain. It was like having a sick child, totally dependent on you, with all the big decisions in your hands.

Because of her age and the heart murmur, the vet was concerned about her ability to tolerate anesthesia, so she also had to have an EKG. The results looked good, but I was scared of the surgery, afraid she wouldn't make it and I put it off. But I was the mama, and as much as I hated having to make the hard decisions, I knew I had to do it. Once I received Adam's referral, I knew I couldn't wait -- I needed to have her well by the time he comes home.

I did the responsible doggie mama thing and, shaking all the way, took my girl in for her surgery on April 3. Well, she did amazingly well! I brought her in at 8 a.m. and was able to take her home at 4 p.m. the same day. She was still wonky from the drugs and I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before that by the time I got her home, we both collapsed on the couch. When I woke up a few hours later, she had moved up near my head and my face was inside the e-collar they put on her so she couldn't rip her stitches out. LOL! She was groggy, and a little intimidated by the e-collar at first, but was completly back to normal by the next afternoon. It was, apparently, much harder on her than on me! She had her stitches out this past Saturday.

I think back over my relationship with Nea, developing our indepedent relationship and growing into a "family" of three with her and my then-boyfriend, losing and grieving her, now just the two of us back together , and these few months of her health crisis. She has brought such joy to my life and taught me so much about love and life. And now we are soon to be a family of three again! I can't imagine the love I will have for Adam eclipsing the love I have for this dog -- but I know it will. Its a little scary! I can't wait!

Good news and bad news...

The good news is I just received my log-in date -- March 28th. This means my dossier is logged in in Vietnam and all the formalities are proceeding. This is also the date they estimate travel from -- so, the earliest I would travel is the end of June. From what my agency tells me, traveling is averaging 4 months from log-in.

However, I was told 1-3 months for a referral -- and had one two days after going on the waiting list. I was told it would likely take 1-2 months for a log-in date -- and my log-in date is 23 days after my referral. I'm hoping that trend will carry through for travel as well!

The bad news -- a problem with my I-171H. The I-171H from the state of New Jersey does not have a space for a signature by a government official. Hanoi wants one. Anyone who has ever dealt with the Department of Homeland Security will understand how daunting a task this is. I searched their website for some time yesterday, trying in vain to find a phone number. There is no listing in the state of NJ. Good thing this wasn't a Homeland Security emergency! Finally found a number for the National Customer Service Center - what a joke. Got stuck in an endless loop of options, none of which had anything to do with the I-171H or led to an actual person. I finally chose to be transferred to a department that was not the right one, just hoping to get a person. I explained my story to her and asked for the phone number of the Newark office. Her response? "We don't have that information?" Huh? Are you kidding me? I found that very hard to believe. I could have understood "We're not allowed to give that information out", but "We don't have that information"? It is maddening. I have really been so patient through this long, stressful process and I suddenly felt like every last drop of patience I had was now completely used up now. I think the fact that yesterday was Adam's birthday wasn't helping my mood.

Thankfully, I whined on my assorted e-groups and two different people were able to come up with not only a phone number, but the name of a person to speak to. Of course, when I called, they weren't available, but at least its a start. I'm cautiously optimistic.

The Generosity of People

Since I posted Adam's referral picture, I've been lucky to receive pictures of him from other people on my assorted adoption mailing lists. Rachel, from my Dillon Vietnam group, was traveling to the orphanage where Adam lives to pick up her daughter a few days after I annouced my referral. She immediately emailed me and offered to go see him and take pictures while she was there. What a lovely gesture! She sent me several adorable pictures and was able to describe his demeanor while she was there and give me an idea of what size clothing he wears.

Susie, also from the Dillon Vietnam group, recognized Adam from a picture she took back in September when she was picking up her child and was able to give me a look at him at an earlier point in his life that I might never have had. Rachel's photos are imbedded in this post --Susie's is posted below. Thank you to both of them!

I can't wait to "pay it forward" when I travel and do the same for other waiting parents when I travel.

Oh, so THIS is the hard part...

...ok, its been 25 days since my referral, since the first moment I saw my son's face. While the initial euphoria has most definitely NOT passed and has, in fact, deepened, the first flurry of activity around the referral has died down. And, for the first time in the process, this finally feels really, really hard.

Since the moment I submitted my initial application, the process itself involved me very actively for many months. Suddenly, my role has become very passive -- I wait. When I got the email saying I was on the waiting list, there was a sense of relief at the transition in my role, knowing it was all out of my hands. My referral came so quickly -- 5 days -- and then the joy, the love, his beautiful little face.

And now the waiting. A different waiting -- knowing who he is, where he is, every picture and fact about him already a part of our history together -- but we're not together.

I don't think I'm going to be good at this part.