OK.....

.....being an only child. Pros and cons. Discuss.

Words of Wisdom

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer (121-180)

Ok, so here's a new one....

....Adam spent a good deal of time crying last night because he wants to (sigh) "change Sister Enalyn's (his teacher) diaper" and I informed him that 1) No! and 2)she doesn't have a diaper. WTF?

"There is no more Adam -- only Fireman."

That is how Adam responded when addressed by name over the Halloween weekend, during which he wore his costume every day and visited the firehouse twice. Life is good!

Touch A Truck Day

The Junior League of a nearby town hosted a fundraiser two weeks ago called "Touch A Truck Day". The simple brilliance of this idea is almost staggering. What's the overhead? You drive a bunch of trucks into a parking lot, park them, and voila! Instant fundraiser! For $5, a zillion kids converge on the place and honk the horns
of every truck they can get their hands on. What a blast!


!

“What orbit of the planets has put you and me in this place, at this moment? Where time takes a breath, and we dance on the edge of our dreams?”

Every once in a while, there's a moment...something very ordinary...or maybe something completely unexpected...that is so magical and right that it fills you with such joy and awe that it takes your breath away.

At naptime on Saturday, Adam was reluctant to sleep, so rather than putting his in his crib, I let him lay down on a futon on the living room floor. I laid down with him and the dog joined us. We were all warm and sleepy, the dog curled up with her head in the crook of one of my arms, Adam snuggled into the other and I was so completely and perfectly happy and grateful that I almost cried.

Captain Courageous

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Adam is a fairly fearless child. There are pretty much only three things he is scared of -- Batman, Spiderman, and King Kong.

When he first came home, he was very afraid of sand and of grass. The fear of grass ended abruptly when he saw the swingset in my brother's yard and decided it was worth running over the grass to get to it. We went to Florida for Christmas three months after he came home and he wouldn't let his feet touch the sand, with or without shoes. The next summer, we went to the Aquarium at Coney Island. Before we went he talked about how he was going to walk on the sand to see the ocean. Once on the boardwalk, he steeled himself and stepped out onto the sand. He got about three steps before he screamed and called for me to pick him up. We went back to the boardwalk and he immediately wanted to try again. Mind you, I didn't push the idea of walking on the sand in any way -- this was all his own idea. He made three similar attempts before he gave up. Last Christmas, he was determined to walk on the sand and after a few stalled attempts, succeeded - with his shoes on. This summer the shoes came off and he walked from the Coney Island Boardwalk to the water and back. I was muchly impressed at how he took on this fear, faced it, and conquered it --all on his own.

Lately I've noticed that if he sees something that scares him on TV, after his initial reaction, he will ask me to rewind it and play it again. And again. And again. And again. Until it no longer scares him. How does he know to do this? And that it will work for him? I am in awe of this child.

Quote of the week

Never, never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Dysfunction junction

When you come from a dysfunctional background, your judgement and perception of behaviors is often skewed. Behaviors that occurred as a matter of course in your life and that just seemed "normal" to you, not necessarily kind or nice, but not out of the norm. Its only when you start to have other comparative experiences, get to know the way other families behave that you (hopefully!) see it for what it is and break out of a pattern. For example, when I lived in Manhattan years ago, my father would drive up from Florida to visit his relatives in Rockland County (just north of NYC). He would never drive into Manhattan to pick me up, rather he would have me take the subway to the end of the line in the Bronx, stand on the cross-Bronx expressway, and pick me up on his way. I am embarrassed to say I didn't think twice about this. It was only when I mentioned it casually to someone who reacted with horror, that I stopped and really thought about it. Even then, I had to mention it to another person as sort of a test to see their reaction. Pretty much the same. I stopped standing on the highway. He still wouldn't pick me up, but I stopped standing on the highway.

So, years of therapy later, I have a little situation that gives me some pause, but not until later do I really react as I should have.

Over the summer my mother was up from Florida and wanted to visit her nephew. So we rented a car and drove upstate. Present were my cousin and his wife, his daughter, her husband and their two small children(my cousin is only about 9 years younger than my mother), and his deceased son's widow and her young daughter, and my cousin's sister-in-law. I hadn't seen them since about 2 months before Adam came home, at their son's wake and funeral.

The day was more pleasant than I thought it would be -- my cousin is a doctor, and very much into the ego thing of being a doctor. He's also a Marine, conservative, sexist -- well, we just don't have much in common. I tried to avoid spending much time with them as the whole family setup was very dysfunctional and uncomfortable for me. The wife drank heavily. There was some weird emotional triangle between my cousin, his wife, and the sister-in-law, who moved in with them when she was about 12 years old and is still there -- 25-30 years later. Just not comfortable.

The untimely death of their son, early 30s, seemingly completely healthy, with a wife and young baby, of a heart attack, has wrought some changes that made the situation much more tolerable. So, the day was pleasant, everyone was kind to Adam, but something nagged at me. They had never met Adam and asked not one question about him. Not one question about the adoption itself, the trip to Vietnam, how I had adjusted, how he had adjusted. Nothing. And it bothered me. I mentioned it to my mother, who got angry. She had never recognized the dysfunction of the whole situation, thought I focused too much on it. So I sort of let it go.

Last week, we were in the pediatrician's waiting room and Adam was playing with a younger baby. His mother asked me where he was from and when I told her Vietnam, asked me a million questions -- about adoption, about Vietnam, about how he was adjusting, about how I was adjusting, about how it was being a single mother....and it brought this summer visit to my mind. So, which situation was normal? Family not asking a single question about the single most important experience in my life or expressing much interest in my son? Or a total stranger asking me every question under the sun? I'm going with the kindness of strangers.

Tempering the temper

Have I mentioned that Adam has a TERRIBLE temper? No, really. A TERRIBLE temper. Combine that with an iron will and an incredible ability to focus and persevere and well, Mama's exhausted. I keep telling myself that, with the exception of the actual temper, these are strengths. That,properly channeled, will be an enormous advantage. But, it is sometimes hard to remember that, when he is moving towards the the second hour of a screaming rage -- not one tear in his eye, mind you, just pure rage, that perhaps I have chosen to discipline him for throwing or hitting.

Last night was one of those nights, where he was just tantrummy all night long. I can't even remember what he threw, but I put him in his crib for a time out. Because I know the child, I removed his pillow, blanket, and cars that he sleeps with from the crib prior to depositing him because I knew he would simply seize upon them and throw them as well.

I put him in the crib, told him why he was there, set the timer and sat on the couch. Not 5 seconds later, his shoes came flying out of the room, followed shortly thereafter by his socks. But it was when his shirt came flying through the door that I had to smother my laughter. I thought perhaps I should strip him naked before his next time out, but was quickly dissuaded by the thought of the only thing that would be left for him to throw.

A quote for Monday

You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint. You are the shining star I reached for in my ever hopeful quest for a life fulfilled. You are my child. Now with all things I am blessed. -- Unknown.

On pee and poop...

...for those of you who have asked, yes, that penis is fixed. LOL!

Went back to the doctor for a check-in on the pooping project last night. After 3 weeks on a laxative he is finally "almost" cleaned out. He needs one more full week on the laxative, then we switch to every other day. Its going to be a touch and go process to see how his colon responds. Keep your fingers crossed!

September 10, 2009

Happy Second Forever Family Day Adam James An!

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

If its not one thing....

....its another! This morning Adam woke crying "The pee isn't coming out!" When the pee eventually started coming out, he was clearly in pain and yelled "Mommy, fix this penis!" I feel a little badly that I laughed! :) Off to the pediatrician to fix that penis.

Two pictures from this year's Day Out with Thomas

Everybody poops

That is, everybody except Adam. Adam's Giving and Receiving Ceremony was on a Monday; he didn't poop for the first time until that Saturday. I thought that perhaps I had checked a box marked "no pooping" on the list of special needs that I would accept in a child. Little did I know that was the norm for him.

He has continued to struggle with pooping. I read up on toddler constipation and did everything that was recommended, including dosing him with fiber. Nothing worked. His pediatrician didn't seem particularly concerned, suggesting dietary changes-- which would be great if he actually ate --and the occasional enema.

For several months, it was necessary to give him an enema about once a week when he became too uncomfortable. What fun that was! And, forgive me for having to share this, but they were MONSTER poops. The biggest I've ever seen!

Recently, he's been able to eventually move his bowels on his own, but it is a long and arduous process for him, days of trying and pushing. In an average walk around the block with the dog, Adam will stop and try to poop 3 or 4 times. It really was becoming an interference in our lives, on top of being just miserable for him.

A few weeks ago, Adam had Coxsackie virus and we went to the pediatrician and, by chance, saw a different doctor in the practice. Just because we were there anyway, I decided to mention the pooping thing to the doctor, who instantly replied "Yes, that is a problem and yes, we can fix it." I wanted to fall to the floor and kiss his feet.

We went back last week for the pooping consultation. When I picked Adam up from the orphanage, he was not eating solid foods,just formula and soup, at the age of 17 months. The doctor said that when a baby progresses normally through the stages of eating, from formula to soft baby foods and then to solid foods, the bowel progresses with it and "learns" how to handle each type of food. Adam skipped straight from liquid to solid and his bowel didn't make the transition correctly and needs to be "retrained". His colon is stretched and not contracting to push the poop out. Adam is getting it out through his own strength and that is why it takes so long and is so difficult for him. He said it will take likely take months, but that we will be successful.

So we are on Step 1 of the Pooping Project -- cleaning him completely out. He is on Miralax for two weeks after which we go back and learn about Step 2.

I'm feeling very relieved and optimistic. I think this process will help in several areas. The doctor said that Adam's poor eating is tied in to this and we should see a change as we progress. That could, in turn, impact his poor sleeping as he drinks easily 3 bottles overnight. I've been reluctant to deny him these bottles as he really doesn't eat much during the day.

The one down side is that the doctor says not to even consider toilet training him until the problem is resolved, but that's a small price to pay -- we've got the power of positive pooping on our side!

Lost and found...and what's next?

I've been pondering on and mulling about and agonizing over Adam's birth family for several weeks now. Contact has been established, pictures exchanged. The searcher I hired found them very quickly, as they are exactly where they were when Adam was born, less than 10 miles from the orphanage, living in the house where Adam was born. Contact has been established, pictures have been exchanged. I'm posting pictures of the house, but not of his family out of respect for their privacy.

So much is going on in my heart and in my head. On the purely positive side, I am delighted and relieved to be able to have this information for Adam. And I am thrilled to have been able to let his birth mother know that he is happy and healthy and oh so loved. I couldn't imagine how she could go through the rest of her life never knowing what had happened to him, especially when it was within my ability to tell her .

Adam is the sixth of 7 children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest just a few months old. One brother suffers from some sort of mental illness, ad his father has serious heart disease. It might sound silly, but am so hurt for Adam that, since his relinquishment, his parents have had another baby, whom they have kept. Perhaps the pain of giving Adam up was something they could not bear to go through again. Perhaps the fact that Vietnam is no longer open to America for adoption colored their decision. But how do you explain to a child that his birth parents kept 6 other children, but not you? Somehow it seemed easier when he was the last child. His mother is only 42 -- she could conceivably (no pun intended) have one -- or a few-- more. It just adds another, difficult layer of complication to his story that he will have to understand and deal with. I think that's going to be so hard for him to understand. On the bright side, if we stay in contact, he can ask them directly himself, rather than just having me speculate about their reasons.

Much to my own surprise, I was absolutely devastated by the circumstances they are living in. I'm not one of these people who doesn't understand the real and desperate poverty a good deal of the world lives in. I have seen it first hand in this country, in South Africa, in Brazil, and during my trip to Vietnam. But this is the first time its about someone who is connected to me. I look at the beautiful faces of his siblings -- seeing Adam's face in theirs, land ache knowing none of them are in school. Its very overwhelming. I really want to help them but have to think through the best way to do so. Is an occasional gift of money the way to go? An amount that might be so small to me could really impact their lives. Or should I send gifts rather than money?

I couldn't bear it if years from know Adam turned to me and said "Mama, we had so much, why didn't we help them?"

Extremely cute appearance notwithstanding....

...Adam is struggling with the move to a new classroom and a new teacher this year. Last year, his entire class moved with him which eased the transition greatly after the first dramatic day. This year, they split his class into three different groups and there are also some 4 year olds in the class.

At the end of the first day, while telling me he didn't want to go back, he wailed dramatically of his new teacher "But I don't LOVE her..." I tried to tell him he had to give her more than one day before he loved her. LOL!

We're almost at the second week, though, and he's still having a hard time. I ask him if he LIKES his teacher, and he says he does. He says she is nice to him, and that he has fun. But he wants to go back to Mrs. Cherry's (last year's teacher)"school". Mrs. Cherry is right next door and his beloved Alfonsa is across the hall, but these things don't seem to be helping him. Its all very much on his mind -- he asked repeatedly over the weekend "No school today?"

Things are a little bit better -- he went from crying himself to sleep and waking up and crying the whole morning right up until the time I dropped him, to not crying until we get to the door of the classroom. I've heard that 3 is a common age for separation anxiety to recur, so I'm hoping this explains some of it. And we've been crazy busy and stressed the last two weeks so that's got to factor in, too. I'm just not sure at what point I decide that it isn't just a normal adjustment period, but that there is a problem somewhere. Maybe the end of the third week? What do you think?

The Memorykeeper

I know I've written before on the amazing depth of Adam's memory, but he continues to floor me. Of course, there are the everyday incidents. A few days ago, a woman I would have sworn I had never seen before in my life came up to us on the street greeting Adam by name and chatting pleasantly for a few minutes. After she walked away, in what is becoming an all too familiar routine, I asked Adam if she worked in his school "No, pajama store", he replied, without missing a beat. He was right. She was the saleswoman at the children's clothing store in our neighborhood where we had purchased pajamas about a month earlier.

And there's his litany of the various cars we've rented, sorted by color and our destination. (He's always right!)

But he blew me away a few weeks ago. My father died in July 2008. Adam met him once, over Christmas of 2008. During his last week of life, we were at the hospice every day and Adam was afraid of him. He was in the last stages of stomach cancer and had had a stroke and couldn't speak. Adam wouldn't go near him.

Since he died, I haven't mentioned him to Adam. Not intentionally, but there's really nothing to say. There's a long, dysfunctional story that goes hand in hand with this, but I'll spare you that.

Adam has a matchbox police car that is a replica of the Suffolk County Police Car, where my father was a policeman and he calls it "Grandpa's police car".

We were in the supermarket in my neighborhood and Adam saw a policeman. He went over to him and showed him the car, and then came out with "My Grandpa can't talk. He's sick and stays in bed."

As they say, you could have knocked me over with a feather! He amazes me!

Adam in a nutshell

When asked this morning if he misses school (they are closed the month of July) and if he will be excited to go back he responded "Oh yes! The kids will be so excited to see me!"

And that, my friends, is my son.

Ooooklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains....

Pictures from Vietnam Heritage Weekend in Tulsa

Here's Adam on one of the electric cars while visiting with the Hodges and Myers families:




His first time in a pool - he loved it!

getting a ride with help from Ian Conner and painting with Drew Conner

Fan painting and just looking handsome

Reconnecting with our travel buddes Rhett Myers and Eli Hodges and meeting big sister Lucy Hodges.

Asian Boy Baby doll

Several people have asked here to find an Asian boy doll. The doll I bought Adam is a 9" Berenguer Baby Doll.

Sweet dreams are made of this....

...I was having a dream this weekend where I was in a new, different apartment. It was the middle of the night and I was walking from room to room and noticing how easy it would be for someone to break in, windows that wouldn't lock, fire escapes that would provide easy access and the like. In the dream, I was very frightened. At this point, my ex-boyfriend showed up at the door, as he was wont to do, after my not having seen him for some time. He would often vanish from my life and return months, or even years later just when I had begun to get over him.

At that moment I woke because Adam called for me, crying, and I stumbled to his room. He had apparently been having a nightmare and was scared so I picked him up to comfort him. As I stood there with my crying child clinging to me, I was so grateful that THIS was my life, and not the one in the dream.

A quote for Thursday

Being a humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead. — Kurt Vonnegut

A decision - at least, a partial one

After much ruminating and agonizing and worrying, I took the leap this week and hired a searcher to find Adam's birth family. I don't know if I am ready for this, but I couldn't get past the nagging fear that if I waited until he was ready to search, the trail would have gone cold.

I decided that I could take it one step at a time -- get the information in hand and then decide what the next step should be. I'm nervous, but think I'm doing the right thing for Adam.

A quote for Friday

Its not the thought that counts, its acting on the thought that counts.

What a sweet boy!

Adam said to me last night "Oh, Mommy! You look so handsome!" LOL!

I don't get it -- help me out here!

When Adam and I visited Meredith and met David, Alison and Maggie earlier this year, Adam was enamored of Maggie's baby doll. He changed its diaper, put it down for a nap....very cute. So, I looked around and found a male asian baby and stroller for him. He loves his baby (which he has named "Adam" - lol!) and will often bring him along when we walk the dog.

For reasons that escape me, strange men on the street seem to be compelled to make disparaging comments and criticize me for allowing my son to have a doll. Now, I am already bewildered by the fact that complete strangers will make ANY comments (other then complimentary ones) about Adam, but I am completely floored that 5 men have seen fit to stop us and criticize. One man sneered "Is he a girl or a boy?" Another said to me "You're fired." Still another tried to tell Adam the doll was for girls only. My standard response has been "He's learning to be a good daddy."

So what the heck is it? Why are men so threatened by this?

Right on the money

The MSN home page today had an article entitled "What their birthdate says about your child". I filled in Adam's birthdate information just to see what they could say.

Rather than entitle the report "Young Aries", they could have just as easily called it "All about Adam" because this is Adam to a T!

Young Aries
Aries children have energy in abundance, are usually strong, active, and enthusiastic. You better be physically in great shape to keep up with the little Ram. They seem to never get tired and after a day full of physical activity, the Aries child keeps going while you might gasp for air.

Being curious and adventurous, little Arians want to know everything, explore, and investigate. Without fear they venture into new territory all the time, be it a high tree, a playground, or a year abroad. They love challenges, so offering them opportunities to compete either in sports or at play or in school keeps them from being bored too quickly.

Aries children need a lot of watching, especially when they are very young, as they can also be quite stubborn and won't accept a "No" easily. Resisting control, they need to know who is in charge, as they are very determined to do everything their very own way. Although young Arians can be quite sweet and affectionate one minute, they can be challenging and angry the next. They need a lot of reassurance, attention, and need to know they are loved. Being ruled by Mars, it is no wonder that they can display a hot temper but they can forget it as quickly as it came.

As natural born leaders, Aries children will take the lead in their group, be it at school, or college, or in their circle of friends. However, it can be difficult for them to lose and as difficult to learn how to share and that they cannot win every game.

Young Arians are a delight to be around, and they will certainly never bore you! Your favorite moments will be when you can jump into their fantasyland with them and get swept away by their courageous lead into the unknown. They have an untamed spirit that is always ready for adventure!

A quote for Friday

Resentment is letting someone you despise live rent free in your head

The Bad Seed

When I arrived at school to pick Adam up on Thursday, Mrs. Cherry (who is very kind, a great teacher, and very good to Adam, but who has absolutely NO sense of humor) greeted me with a very somber "Your little Adam is sitting in time out." Having been on the receiving end of some of Adam's least charming behavior, I steeled myself for the worst. She related that in the morning, assistant teacher Mrs. Olga asked Adam to stop doing something (I've forgotten what) AND....here she paused for dramatic effect before the big reveal...."he showed her his tongue!" Mind you, this was said in much the same tone and with much the same dramatic expression as if she'd said "..and then he pulled out a knife and cut her!" How I didn't burst out laughing is beyond me. She went on to say that in the afternoon the other assistant Mrs. Magdalene told him not to throw something and he "showed her his tongue" as well.

I somehow maintained my composure and asked if this happened often. Mrs. Cherry told me it was Adam's first timeout ever. (I refrained from saying that in that case, they ought to give him a medal!) I concurred that telling him not to do it again and putting him in timeout was the thing to do and assured her I would reinforce that at home and we made good our escape.

Last night Adam was talking to a friend of mine on the phone who asked him how school was and I heard him respond "I kept my tongue in my mouth in school all day!" LOL! Maybe there's hope for him yet.

Over nine million parents in the U.S. are raising children without theistic religion. The PARENTING BEYOND BELIEF SEMINAR, a unique half-day workshop with author and educator Dale McGowan, offers encouragement and practical solutions for secular parenting in a religious world.
Based on the freethinking philosophy of the book Newsweek called "a compelling read," the PARENTING BEYOND BELIEF SEMINAR is empowering secular parents across the country to raise ethical, caring, confident kids without religion. Participants will learn effective ways to:
Encourage religious literacy without indoctrination; Help kids interact productively with a religious world; Help kids develop active moral reasoning; Weigh church-state issues in the public sphere; Address sensitive issues with religious relatives using the principles of nonviolent communication; Help children develop a healthy understanding of death and a joyful love of life; Build a family atmosphere of fearless questioning and boundless wonder; ...and much more.

I was fortunate enough to attend this presentation a few weeks ago at the beautiful Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture. I was very excited as the topic is on that is important to me, but also thought perhaps it would be an opportunity for me to meet some like minded parents and make some connections. While the speaker was excellent and the presentation empowering, it wasn't the time or place for the connections I was hoping for. The audience was mostly members of the Brooklyn Society and as intelligent and kind as they were, without a car, Brooklyn is too far away to make connections work.

I did come away with a renewed sense of the need for a community. Years ago, when I lived on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, I belonged to the New York Society for Ethical Culture and enjoyed that very much. I attended the Sunday morning meetings with some regularity -- which was easy as I lived less than 10 blocks away. I moved to Queens, and later to Jersey City, the idea of getting up and into Manhattan by 10:30 on a Sunday was just too much and I fell out of the habit.

I'm thinking its a habit I need to get back into. We are certainly up early enough to get there. They have a Sunday School that Adam will be eligible for at age 4, so that gives me a little time to get my act togther. I got really excited when I read the description of the Sunday School Program:

Sunday School: An Exploration of Ethics for Children
As a parent, you may find yourself uncomfortable with a traditional religious upbringing, yet recognize a need for your children to develop a moral/ethical "compass." In our Sunday class, we focus on the values that humanity has always held high. Each week, children explore these values and celebrate the joys of life through discourse, song, story and deed.
The Goals of the Sunday School Program are:

To explore values such as integrity, honesty, responsibility, courage and commitment.
To affirm the value and uniqueness of each individual.
To promote knowledge and celebration of the diversity among people.
To inspire social responsibility towards individuals, groups and our environment.To develop a child's identity as part of a community.
To learn about those ethical teachings which are common to the world's religion.

Our prime concern is development of the moral reasoning process, something our children can use in myriad ways every day. Through stories, service projects, and art activities, we encourage the exploration of ideas and issues in a safe, inclusive environment. We also encourage FUN!

I think it will be good for both of us!

You would be surprised....

...at the number of people who find it necessary to say to a three year old that he needs to study hard and get a good job so he can take care of mommy when he gets older. You wouldn't believe the looks on their faces when I say "That's NOT his job!"

Adam is three

After my whining and complaining post of yesterday, I thought I should take the time to celebrate the magical , amazing 3 year old that Adam is. (90% of the time!)


It astonishes me how fast it is all going -- how can he possibly be three already? He's now been home longer than he was in the orphanage, which seems incredibly significant somehow.

He is very bright and incredibly verbal with a memory that astounds me. He can tell you the color of every car we've rented and where we went in each car. And he often does. He likes to go over and over his memories, often starting out sentences with "Mommy, remember....."

He is the most social child I've ever know, interested in everybody. He talks ALL THE TIME. His current career aspiration is to be a taxi driver, drive people to the airport, and help them with their suitcases. Its good to have a plan! He lives for his cars, trains, trucks, buses -- anything with wheels! Yet he also has a baby doll (asian boy) that he cares for tenderly, feeding him, changing his diaper, talking him for walks in the stroller. (Which reminds me -- we were out walking the other day and Adam was pushing the doll in the stroller and some complete stranger rather derisively asked "Is he a girl or a boy?" Rather than simply punching him in his ignorant head, I snapped back "He's learning to be a good father." and we went on our way. Seriously. What is wrong with people?)

Loves The Wiggles, Little Bear, Madagascar and Thomas. Adores the movie Mamma Mia (?) and is now getting into The Music Man. He is a big fan of the musical!

We're still struggling with sleep - on an average night he wakes 3 times, andd with eating. Its like the child lives on air. He does now eat at school, two meals and two snacks, so that's an improvement. He weighs a whopping 25 pounds.

He has a terrific sense of humor and is great company. His empathy is developing nicely -- when I was coughing the other night he said "Poor mama! I buy you medicine tomorrow!"

And then there's the control thing-- but sometimes I actually win now. he strongest will I've ever known. While he is still completely capable of the 5 hour temper tantrum, they are much less frequent and further between. He's old enough now to understand "No, but we can do it later..." or "We don't have any, but we can buy some tomorrow"...

I am honored, humbled, and delighted every day (well, almost every day - LOL!) to be his mother.

Keeping up with the quotes.

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"

-Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)

I have been remiss.....

....I got sucked into the fast paced, easy to post world of Facebook and have neglected this blog. As much as I am enjoying the instant gratification of Facebook, I'm finding I miss the different pace and level of thinking the blog requires. So, I'm going to try to get myself back into the discipline of posting more regularly.

If you are one of my Facebook pals, you'll know that Adam turned 3 during the trip to Las Vegas from hell. It is all going so fast!

I had sooo been looking forward to this trip. It was to be my first vacation that wasn't a trip to visit family with all the baggage that that entails.

Adam had a runny nose and cough for a few days, but nothing too bad. I, of course, got it, along with a fever of 103.7. But I was determined I was getting on that plane. Too much was at stake! Never mind the airfare and hotel, but there were the tickets for the 3 Manilow shows, and 3 other people coming along on the trip. Called the doctor for antibiotics and figured I'd kick it. HA!

The first morning I made it to breakfast, then about 5 minutes out into the gardens of the Flamingo before immediately having to go back to the room and lay moaning in bed. By this time, Adam had a fever as well and let me tell he, he is not the most pleasant sick person I've ever met. (For me, this is the hardest part of being a single parent -- being sick when he is sick.)

I did, of course, drag my ill self down the strip every night to the Hilton for Barry. I don't know how to explain this, but I think most mothers will understand the sentiment -- for the first time in a long time, I felt like myself. Just me. The show took me out of myself and centered me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. And I badly needed that.

So, basically I had 90 perfect minutes a day and the rest sucked big time. Adam had been very excited about Vegas - he wanted to see dolphins, jump in the water and ride in a boat. Once we actually got there, however, all he was interested in was the monorail ("the lil' train".) On Friday, Adam's 3rd birthday, the plan was to have breakfast and then head to The Secret Garden of Siegfried and Roy. Adam's plan, however, was to read the monorail all day. Thus, the start of the 5 hour temper tantrum from hell.

He cried and complained all through breakfast because we weren't on the monorail. After we finished, we took him for a quick ride, thinking that would satisfy him, but no! The umbrella stroller we took on the trip was too short for me and increased the pain I was having in my back from the coughing and fever, so my much shorter friend volunteered to push the stroller, apparently violating some unspoken rule that only Mama is to push the stroller. The screaming continued. Once we got to the Secret Garden, he decided he wanted to go back to the room and watch Madagascar. It was a nightmare. I very much like the Secret Garden and was determined to see it. I left little Mr. Pissy Pants with my mother and my friend and wandered off by myself for a while and enjoyed the animals. Of course, I coughed so hard that I humiliated myself by vomiting right in the middle of the Secret Garden. Bad day at Black Rock.

I can easily say that Adam's 3rd birthday was the worst behaved he has ever been and he almost drove me over the edge. I have a LOT of patience, but was just so sick myself and so exhausted. I badly needed to sleep and Adam simply refused to consider such a possibility. It was so nice to have other people with me -- as we hit the five hour mark in the nonstop misery I lost it -- completely -- and dragged him down the hall to my friend and explained that I was going to hurt him if she didn't take him. And she took him and let me sleep for a few hours.

After five days on antibiotics I was no better so on the advice of my primary care physician went to the pulmonologist who said I was in the throes of a "massive" asthma attack, which had been triggered by bronchial pneumonia. Sigh. Being newly diagnosed with asthma, I was unaware that I need to treat for asthma with every cold or cough I get. So, I have an inhaler and am on steroids and am just a little bit better, but still dragging and struggling a bit.

Adam is completely recovered and happy to be home and back in his routine. With the exception of Tulsa in June, I don't think we're going to be traveling for a while.

A good quote

“Bringing up a family should be an adventure, not an anxious discipline in which everybody is constantly graded for performance.” -- Milton R. Saperstein

A momentous first....

....Adam slept through the night last night -- for the second day in a row! That's never happened before! Let's hope it portends Mama getting some uninterrupted sleep more than once or twice a week.....

So I know this is weird....

....but I am compelled to share it anyway. I was tickling Adam the other day when my fingers suddenly arrived at his belly button, the same, cute little belly button I've seen a million times before. This time, for some reason, I was struck by two powerful emotional blasts -- the first was a real grief and sense of loss that Adam hadn't grown in my body, that we had not been connected at his beautiful little belly button. I was still reeling with that pain when the second wave hit me -- this very real evidence of his connection to his birth mother! And how she (and her husband) had made the difficult decision to give him up having had this connection....Had I not already been emotionally doubled over, this would have done it!

And yet...this is nothing I didn't know intellectually. I don't know why it hit me so viscerally now.....

See, I told you this was weird.

A quote for all the moms

Every time you say yes when you mean no, you are abandoning yourself and end up feeling used or resentful or frantic. W hen you say no when you mean no its so sane and healthy it creates a little glade around you in which you can get the nourishment you need.

--Anne Lamott

An open letter to the producers of Sesame Street Live: Elmo Makes Music

Dear Muppet Masters:

My son and I attended your mostly fine production this weekend. I feel compelled to point out to you what seems to be an egregious error in judgment in the telling of the tale "Elmo Makes Music". Please be advised that if early on in the story you are going to mention that a truck is going to deliver musical instruments to Sesame Street, please ensure that said truck does indeed appear on the stage at some point in the show. Once said truck's appearance was mentioned, I (and the entire section around us) was subjected to many, many MANY entreaties of "Mommy, truck? Truck! Truck, Mommy! Truck coming, Mommy?"

Sadly, said truck never came, marring an otherwise beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Thank you for your consideration of the above matter.

Two quotes for the price of one...

Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. Robert A. Heinlein

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so, and will follow it by suppressing opposition, subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young, and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics.
--Robert A. Heinlein

Photos from Christmas in Florida

Adam and his big boy cousins, Richie (below) and Daniel

Adam with cousins Nicky and Ashley

Monday quote

Our children are no ours because they share our genes...they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day..or long sleepless night, is how love really works.

Sixteen months after I brought Adam home...

...my stomach still gives a little thrill everytime I say "My son....."

On contemplating a birth parent search

Right from the start of my adoption process, I assumed that my child would one day want to search for his birthparents. From what little I knew about it at that time, I was of the opinion that I would be available to help in any way, but that it would be up to Adam to want to do the search.

Now I'm reading that the prevailing wisdom is to start the search as early as possible because the longer you wait, the harder it is. People die, they move, etc.

As Adam was relinquished, I do have some information on his birthparents. He was the 5th child of a married couple struggling to feed the four children they already had. His father was seriously ill at that time, and one of the children was handicapped. I have both parents' names on the paperwork.

So, I'm struggling with this a bit. To search now or search later? To establish contact if I do search now? To not establish contact could leave me in the same position when Adam is older. If so, how much contact?
Search now and hold on to the information until Adam is older? Or wait and search when he is ready? I can think of compelling arguments on all sides.

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?

The only kind of motherhood I know

A friend of mine who is an identical twin has the most perfect answer to the often asked question "What is it like to be a twin?" "I don't know," she responds. "What is it like not to be?" I find I can so completely relate to that when it comes to being a single mother. What is it like? Is it harder to be one? I don't know. This is the only kind of motherhood I know.

I wouldn't say I miss having a husband or partner in parenting. Finding a husband or partner is something I am open to, but don't feel like I must have in order for me to be happy or for me to be a good mother. I think, if the person and the relationship were right, it would enhance my life, what Adam and I have. But I am, for the most part, content and at peace.


That said, this week I found myself profoundly missing something I don't have. A friend has been telling me of a heartbreaking crisis a friend of hers is going through and talks about how their group of friends has rallied around the friend in crisis. This group of friends have been close for years, they all have children around the same age, have been married about the same length of time. Their children have grown up together and they've shared the same stages of their lives and parenthood. And I suddenly missed that so much.


Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful, supportive friends. But our situations and circumstances are different. Those with children, for the most part, have children much older than Adam. My closest friends are childless. I don't live in a suburb where everyone in the area is of a similar age and family makeup. It isn't something I ever really thought about before, so I'm surprised at just how much I find myself missing this something I've never had.

The return of the weekly quote

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

-- Lewis B. Smedes --

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”

In early May of 2008, about 2 and a half weeks after he turned two, Adam was hospitalized with febrile seizures, as those of you who read my hysterical posts are sure to remember.

His roommate, who was, by incredible coincidence, in his daycare class, got out of the hospital a day earlier than Adam did. When we were packing up to go home, we found part of a toy car that belonged to Marcello under the crib, just the wheels and the bottom panel, and took it home with us.

Yesterday, Adam unearthed it from his box of a gazillion cars and was so excited to see it. He came running over to me saying "Mommy, 'member Marcello?" Since he sees Marcello every day, this was not unusual, but he then went on to say " 'member the hospital? Mommy sleep in the chair." And I was flabbergasted. I did, indeed, sleep in the chair next to his bed every day. And he remembers.

Pictures from New Year's Eve Visit

Thanks to Meredith for these GORGEOUS pictures of our New Year's Eve visit with them and the very lovely Maggie and her parents.

Another one for the "What is wrong with people?" collection

So yesterday was my first day back at the office and Adam's first day back at school since Dec 16. In the afternoon, there was a retirement party for my dearest friend which Adam attended. Towards the end of the party, he hit the wall. It had been a long, exciting day and he had been so good and he was just DONE and a tantrum ensued. It was one of those tantrums where he slapped me in the face. I immediately put him down on the floor and let him lay there screaming.

So he laid there on the floor and screamed and occasionally I reached down for him, he slapped at my hands , I told him again that he couldn't sit on my lap if he was going to hit, and would resume what I was doing. I wasn't particularly stressed by this. It had been a long day, he was overtired and overstimulated and he's two!

You would have thought that the people at the party had never seen a tantruming child before! 4 or 5 of them stood in a semi-circle around Adam, staring down at him as if he were some sort of specimen and discussing what was wrong and what should be done. "You need to pick him up!" one said. Nope, sorry, he doesn't get to sit on my slap if he's going to slap me in the face. "It's a classic cry for attention -- he needs your attention." Nope, he'd been getting it constantly the entire party. "Its a battle of the wills! He's just willful!" AAAIIIEEEE!!!! No, no, no! He's TWO! He's tired! He's overstimulated! The worst was the one who kept trying to get him to drink some water because "We have a rule in our house -- if water comes out, like crying or sweating, water has to go in!" Uh, gee, thanks but, this is not YOUR house. Back off people!

After about 15 minutes, Adam calmed down on his own, as I knew he would, and we cuddled a bit and he was happy for the rest of the night.

New Years Eve

After a fun day visiting with Meredith and Joe (Lawyerish) and their guests, Allison, David and the beautiful Maggie, we spent New Year's Eve relaxing and watching the Wiggles. Its quite a sea change from so many disappointing New Year's Eves in the past - to be completely happy with so little -- which is really so much.

Happy New Year.