Right from the start of my adoption process, I assumed that my child would one day want to search for his birthparents. From what little I knew about it at that time, I was of the opinion that I would be available to help in any way, but that it would be up to Adam to want to do the search.
Now I'm reading that the prevailing wisdom is to start the search as early as possible because the longer you wait, the harder it is. People die, they move, etc.
As Adam was relinquished, I do have some information on his birthparents. He was the 5th child of a married couple struggling to feed the four children they already had. His father was seriously ill at that time, and one of the children was handicapped. I have both parents' names on the paperwork.
So, I'm struggling with this a bit. To search now or search later? To establish contact if I do search now? To not establish contact could leave me in the same position when Adam is older. If so, how much contact?
Search now and hold on to the information until Adam is older? Or wait and search when he is ready? I can think of compelling arguments on all sides.
Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?
How Old is Adam?
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5 comments:
I had the viewpoint that it should be the child's right to search or not to search. I wondered how they would feel if I brought a person in their lives that they didn't necessarily want.
Well, we were contacted by my daughter's family a couple of years ago. They had looked in her file at Eastern (Korea) and we were notified. I was ecstatic.
Since we knew our daughters family info., it inspired us to go ahead and search for our son's before the trail went cold. I didn't want him to miss out on the same opportunity.
We hired a search team and they found his birthmother.
I have now met my daughter's bio. grandmother in person and talked (through a translator) to my son's birthmother on the phone.
She has sent gifts and my son cherishes them greatly. I think it is important to them to know they are still thought of.
What an honor to have personally thanked both families! What a blessing to have the family medical information. I am so glad I went ahead and searched.
I think I will email you a response to this one. It's a very thought provoking subject.
Since every adoption is different, I think whether to search or not (now or later) should be handled according to the specific circumstances. You are fortunate to know some of Adam's birth family's history. As a birth parent, if I had to give up one of my children because I could not care for them, I think it would be so wonderful to hear from the adoptive family and to know that my child was loved and well taken care of, and to know that I had done the right thing!
I don't have this option for Miss Pheebs, but I'm sure I'd be struggling with this as well. Since I'm not *in* your situation, I won't offer an opinion because I honestly don't know what I'd do. But I'll be thinking of you and I'm here to bounce ideas off of if you need me!
At the G&R my son's(Now 21 mths old)birth mother opened the door when she gave us a handwritten note addressed to our son.We thought it was for him and didn't have it translated right away. When we did have it translated(year later)it turns out 3/4 of the letter was for us.She was so sweet and thankful for us raising her son.She also asked us to keep in touch every couple of months and to bring him back to visit his birth country.Well I felt absolutely terrible because a year had already gone by with no contact from us.I had a few weeks earlier decided to make contact with my daughters(also 21 mths now)birth family because she did not have a hand written letter like my son.I felt like this might hurt her in the future when she saw his.I was originally against any contact before I met them at the G&R.It is so different when you meet them in person and see this pain they must go through.It adds a human element to it.I actually just wrote letters to both the birth families last week and had memory books made.I have not sent them yet but I am sure I will.One of my major reasons for wanting to contact my Daughters birth family is because I want to find out more about her five birth sisters.We want to sponsor them in school.
All I can say is if I put myself in their shoes I know I would want to know my child was loved and cared for.I will always remember when our coordinator told us to bring a world map to the G&R.This way we could show them Vietnam and where their child was going.She said most the birth parents are so uneducated they have no idea about Geography or the world outside their province.To them it is like sending their child off in to the great unknown, never to be seen again. Can you imagine that?
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