Photo updates #2 - summer pics

Photo Updates Part 1 - Vietnam Heritage Weekend

In June, Adam and I traveled to Tulsa, OK to attend our adoption agency's Vietname Heritage weekend for the second time. We were so excited to see some of our travel group and especially to see Thomas, Dillon's man in Vietnam who helped us while we were there. Its so good to put names and faces to people who's journeys you follow via their blogs or facebook.







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Welcome changes

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For sure he is not sleeping so well. But the heart is full and jumping with happiness, so...” - Jose Mourinho

We have big and welcome changes going on in our house. Its been a couple of weeks now, so I think I am safe in saying Adam has settled into a new sleeping pattern. Some nights, he sleeps through the night(!) and the others he wakes up once. A mere 2 years and 9 months after he came home at the age of 18 months!

Even bigger new, despite the ongoing problems with constipation, he's starting to toilet train. Woo hoo! Big big changes that will make both our lives so much easier. Go Adam!

thought to ponder

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If
you're alive, it isn't. -Richard Bach

Quote of the day

“Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed." Herman Melville

Adam is 4

Adam wore his fireman's costume all weekend this past weekend. Everywhere we went, of course, people smiled or commented. Adam was thrilled -- "All the people are looking at me!" That's Adam.

When we were walking to pick up prescriptions a few blocks away, Adam ran the whole way, all the time watching himself run in the windows of every store we passed. That's Adam.

When we watch the Mets play on TV, Adam wears his Mets hat, has his bat and glove ready, and acts out everything he sees on the screen. That's Adam.

While Adam was talking to my mother on the phone last night, he was telling her about a baseball game and said he was Jose Reyes and when he said Jose the second time, that lead him to burst into the Star Spangled Banner (Jose can you see?) and he sang the whole song to her. That's Adam.

If he sees someone on the street with a Yankees hat or t-shirt, he goes right up to them and yells "Boo 'Ankees!" If they decide to engage with him on the subject of Mets vs. Yankees, he stands his ground. That's Adam.

When we run into people in the street who seemingly know us, a cashier from a store, or someone who works in his school,and I have no idea who they are. Afterward, I can ask him and he always knows. That's Adam.

When we leave school at night, we have to visit his classrooms from the two previous years and say goodnight to and hug his former teachers. That's Adam.

When he talks to people on the phone, he always asks "How are you today? OK?" That's Adam.

The words "Jamblaya" and "bamboo" send him into gales of laughter. I don't know why. That's Adam.

He is brilliant, bossy, stubborn, strong, hilarious. He has always understood the concept of a joke and he always gets it. He is very good company. He is challenging, enjoyable, lovable, loving, wise. That's Adam.

Adam is 4. Who could want for more?

"...whatever I was looking for was always you..." - Rumi

Calvin's got nothing on a raging, tantrumming Adam.

Adam has always had a bad temper. Combined with an iron will and amazing focus, he has been a formidable foe. He also has some control issues. His behavior had been steadily improving as he's gotten older. The tantrums were becoming less in number, the intensity and duration were lessening. He was understanding more and more, he was grasping the concept of patience and that "yes, but not now" still meant yes and his increasing emotional maturity was clear.

In the last two months or so, however, he has been very much on edge. Every "no" or "not now" results in either tears or a tantrum. The slightest flash of anger has him throwing things and trying to scratch or hit me. Defiance is creeping into our world. Its hard to know, sometimes, what's a "normal" tantrum or age related behavior and what is adoption related or something that requires professional attention.

His more recent meltdowns and tantrums are the kind where he gets himself so worked up that he cannot control himself or stop. A few weeks ago in the middle of a meltdown that he couldn't stop he said to me "This crying is giving me a hard time." So he knows he can't control himself and it is frustrating him as well.

While we were in Las Vegas, Adam had two major tantrums that gave me pause. Lucky me, both were in public and both were in locations I could not remove him from. Oh, the very best kind of tantrums! The kind that make you want to die from embarrassment.

Disclaimer: On the whole, Adam was a trooper in Las Vegas. We did not bring a stroller and he gamely walked everywhere every day. He generally doesn't do well when he is taken out of his routine. And he was tired as he didn't nap the whole time we were there.

The first was on a bus on the way back from Hoover Dam. I have to honestly say that whatever it was that set him off was so inconsequential that I don't even remember what it was. But, whatever it was, it led to a good 20 minutes of screaming, shrieking, hitting, scratching and attempting to throw anything he could get his hands on. (And my refusal to allow him to get his hands on anything to throw just made matters worse.) He resorted to ripping the plastic hard hat he got on the tour clean in half.

The second of the two was by far the worst tantrum he's had in his life. And it happened in the worst possible place for a tantrum -- on a plane. This time, there was definitely a clear reason -- young Prince Adam did not WISH to "remain seated with his seatbelt fastened for the remainder of the flight." Thus ensued 45 minutes of a mindblowing tantrum that left me bruised and frustrated and emotionally drained. The level of his rage was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do. I initially tried simply holding the buckle of the seat belt closed, thinking he would give up (HA!). That didn't last for long as Adam was in a middle seat and I was on the aisle and I couldn't allow his flailing and kicking to touch the person in the window seat. I took him on my lap, at which point he decided he wanted to stand in the aisle, which was simply not going to happen. He kicked, he screamed as if he were being murdered, he scratched, he fought me. He tried to rip the tray table off the back of the seat in front of him so he could throw it. I was pretty helpless. All I could do was try to physically contain him so that the only one he hurt was...well...me. Had there been a parachute handy, I would have happily jumped. When we got off the plane a million years later, he was still carrying on, so I saw down in the gate area and told him we weren't going to leave until he calmed down. He carried on for about 10 minutes more, then got up and stalked over to a seat about 20 seats away from me and sat there glaring at me for another 15 minutes or so until he was ready to leave.

I was so shaken and drained by the experience I called in sick the next day and just recuperated at home alone with the pup. I have been around a LOT of children in my life. I babysat for many years as an adult and have known intimately some very difficult and challenging kids. I have NEVER seen this sort of anger in a child. And I am at a loss as to how to handle it.

Complicating the situation are my own issues with anger. I have a very hard time with it. I come from a very angry family. Paradoxically, I wasn't "allowed" to express anger or even to feel it. Because of this, I have made a strong effort with Adam not to shame him or deny him the right to his own feelings. I have consistently told him it is perfectly fine to BE angry, but he can't throw or hit or scratch BECAUSE he's angry. It's not the emotion that's a problem, its the behavior. I've told him that he can stamp his feet and yell "I'm angry!" I've tried making attempts to calm and reason with him when he's angry. I've tried ignoring it and walking away. I've tried being firm and authoritative with him. Absolutely nothing makes a difference Weren't these things -- the right things -- supposed to work?

Disturbingly, I'm finding myself getting very angry with Adam. And I don't know what to do with the anger either. So, whether its something adoption related, something age related, or just something Adam-related, we need help. In a calmer moment I talked to Adam and told him I think we needed to talk to someone about "our" anger and he agreed.

He's so verbal that if the problem is something he is aware of consciously, I have no doubt he will be able to talk about it. I think he will love the attention of a therapist and the conversation. If its something he's not consciously aware of, I'm confident the therapist will be able to figure it out.

For those of you who are fans of Everybody Loves Raymond, We are NOT going to be "The Angry Family"...

Las Vegas 2010

So, I miss posting for a couple of weeks...

...and somehow Adam turned 4! How did this happen? It sounds like such a cliche to say it is all going so fast, but it is true. I will regale you with pictures from his birthday and push myself back into blogging! I have a lot to say!

Opinions, experiences requested

I'm struggling a bit with how much information is appropriate to present to Adam at this time about his birth family/adoption, etc. Right now, what he knows is that he was born in Vietnam and that I took a plane to go and get him and bring him home. Recently, I added to his knowledge the fact that he has family in Vietnam and that we can visit them someday when he is older if he likes. But I haven't been very explicit about who this family is. So, I'm wondering -- is this enough information for him at his age? I have pictures I could show him. Should I tell him these are his parents and siblings? (Not to take anything away from his rather large extended imaginary family, which includes his "other mother", his child, his brothers, his husband (LOL)and his sisters -- who are the only ones who seem to have names -- Caneena Ootz and Caneena Aatz).

Is this too much information right now? I know the right thing to do -- its the timing and the details that are hard.

Wise words

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall-- think of it, always.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Makes you think

“How often my fear and ambivalence are rooted in what somebody else may think. But I need not present my actions, my words, myself for somebody else's approval. And basing my decisions on somebody else's approval or making my own approval contingent on somebody else's only postpones what I really want.”

- Jan Denise -

Everyone poops (part 2)

After months of trying to retrain Adam's recalcitrant colon with only minimal success, the pooping doctor has decided its time to take further action. First step is an abdominal x-ray to rule out (hopefully) Hirschsprung's disease. This is a disease in which portions of the intestine have no nerve endings and therefore can't push the poop along its merry way, causing a very unpleasant traffic jam. If it is Hirschsprung's, treatment may involve surgical remove of the ineffective part of the intestines -- doesn't that sound like fun?

If it isn't, he's going to refer us to a specialist. I'm hoping Adam can be toilet trained before high school.

Is it genetic?

On the plane to Florida, Adam said to the stewardess "Oh, you have beautiful legs!". She was charmed. I was mortified.

We saw the Radio City Christmas Show for the second time this Christmas and Adam got the DVD for Christmas. He has now informed me he likes the Rockettes legs and butts.

Where does he get this stuff? LOL! He certainly doesn't get it from me and I doubt Sister Enalyn discusses legs and butts much at daycare. I can remember him sitting in the stroller in a drugstore while we were waiting for a prescription and watching him reach out to squeeze some unsuspecting woman's rear. Is it just genetic? A male thing?