I've been pondering on and mulling about and agonizing over Adam's birth family for several weeks now. Contact has been established, pictures exchanged. The searcher I hired found them very quickly, as they are exactly where they were when Adam was born, less than 10 miles from the orphanage, living in the house where Adam was born. Contact has been established, pictures have been exchanged. I'm posting pictures of the house, but not of his family out of respect for their privacy.
So much is going on in my heart and in my head. On the purely positive side, I am delighted and relieved to be able to have this information for Adam. And I am thrilled to have been able to let his birth mother know that he is happy and healthy and oh so loved. I couldn't imagine how she could go through the rest of her life never knowing what had happened to him, especially when it was within my ability to tell her .
Adam is the sixth of 7 children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest just a few months old. One brother suffers from some sort of mental illness, ad his father has serious heart disease. It might sound silly, but am so hurt for Adam that, since his relinquishment, his parents have had another baby, whom they have kept. Perhaps the pain of giving Adam up was something they could not bear to go through again. Perhaps the fact that Vietnam is no longer open to America for adoption colored their decision. But how do you explain to a child that his birth parents kept 6 other children, but not you? Somehow it seemed easier when he was the last child. His mother is only 42 -- she could conceivably (no pun intended) have one -- or a few-- more. It just adds another, difficult layer of complication to his story that he will have to understand and deal with. I think that's going to be so hard for him to understand. On the bright side, if we stay in contact, he can ask them directly himself, rather than just having me speculate about their reasons.
Much to my own surprise, I was absolutely devastated by the circumstances they are living in. I'm not one of these people who doesn't understand the real and desperate poverty a good deal of the world lives in. I have seen it first hand in this country, in South Africa, in Brazil, and during my trip to Vietnam. But this is the first time its about someone who is connected to me. I look at the beautiful faces of his siblings -- seeing Adam's face in theirs, land ache knowing none of them are in school. Its very overwhelming. I really want to help them but have to think through the best way to do so. Is an occasional gift of money the way to go? An amount that might be so small to me could really impact their lives. Or should I send gifts rather than money?
I couldn't bear it if years from know Adam turned to me and said "Mama, we had so much, why didn't we help them?"
5 comments:
That's a tough one, and I'm not going to begin to think I have the answers. If you gave them money, is there any way to oversea it? I would think a small gift during Tet or something would be a good thing to do, but again I'm not in your shoes. That is so cool that you got to find them and exchange information
I would be interested in more information on the service you used, if you don't mind emailing me privately. Thanks
Wow, heavy stuff there. That must be so hard for you...I can't imagine. Esp. since they kept the next baby. Oy.
I would say helping them would be a good idea...I think I would go for the money rather than gifts...money is probably what they need and if you give them gifts they may end up selling them for less than what they are worth anyway. Just my two cents though.
In the end, this information will be invaluable to Adam. I wish I had the opportunity to know of my son's parents. He was abandoned with no note.
Oh wow. I know it must be great and difficult all at the same time. I wish I had advice about sending them money. Will it really help, in the long term, I mean? I think money over gifts may be more helpful, but then I really have no idea!
Wow Kathy. That is incredible that you were able to find them and now know more about Adam's birth family. I can't imagine all the emotions this knowledge must bring. I would also be interested in knowing who you used to find them. I might be interested in doing a little research myself. I don't have a lot to go on but I do have a few bits of info.
I'm not sure what to tell you about whether to give gifts or money. Maybe both on different occasions? Take some time to consider your options. I think you've done the right thing for Adam.
Their story is heart-wrenching and it touched me too.
I don't know how much my advice is good, but I suggest:
1) You don't send any money or gift as these don't really improve their life condition at all.
2) Instead, put aside $3-$5 a week in a box.
3) After a year or two, you can try to find someone or some organization Reliable-Reputable-and-Local who would help to purchase a pair of young male+female piglets, and some basic settings, so that the family can raise them, feed them, and sell them back when they get older, which will worth 10x the initial capital, and will ensure income for years to come. I don't have any specific knowledge since I'm not in VN, but I've read that in VN, six 4-month-old pigs can be sold for $1000 US. That is what I read from the "Cu Chi" from http://itsthefinalword.blogspot.com
Regards.
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