Well, its almost upon us. I had high hopes that one of his teachers, whom he loves unreservedly, would take him in July, but it turns out she will be going away for the month. His head teacher (Helen) has told me she would be happy to take him, but she lives in another town only accessible by car -- and I don't have a car. She assured me she knows some of the other teachers live in my neighborhood and that she will ask them for me.
However.....its recently become very clear to me that Adam's routine is very important to him. Helen broke a toe and has been out since Thursday. Usually, she comes in at 7:30, and one of the assistant teachers (Elizabeth) arrives at 8. The center opens at 7 and several of his classmates arrive before Helen. They go into the classroom next door and await her arrival.
On Friday, when I realized Helen wasn't coming in, I attempted to leave Adam in the other classroom. His reaction was pure fear and hysteria. He is so rarely afraid -- usually if he cries, its because he's angry or frustrated. He clung to me and sobbed hysterically. I was shocked as he knows all these teachers and most of the kids. Since it was my "go to the mall and see Indiana Jones day", I didn't have to hurry so I waited with him until the Elizabeth arrived at 8. He clung to me the entire time, which is very unusual for him. He's an affectionate child, but not clingy and cuddly. When Elizabeth arrived, he ran off my lap and into her arms, crying.
Yesterday, it was the same scene, so I waited with him again until 8, making me 45 minutes late for work. About halfway through the half hour wait he indicated he wanted to go to the other classroom and we walked down the hall, but he burst into tears at the sight of the teachers and we returned to our wait.
Last night, I talked to him and explained that if Helen wasn't there when we got there today, he was going to wait in the other class and Elizabeth would come and get him. I find that if he knows what's expected of him and what is going to happen, 8 out of 10 times he accepts it. This, however, was not one of those times. His hysteria was such that I just couldn't leave him. He is much more upset by this change than he was when he first started daycare.
It became clear to me just how attached he is to the routine when I picked him up last night. Usually, he comes to the door and I pick him up and greet him and the teacher gets his jacket and brings it to us. The weather was warm and muggy for the first time yesterday so he hadn't worn a jacket. When he realized no jacket was forthcoming, he burst into tears. Later, when we walked the dog, he insisted on wearing his jacket and even wore it over his pajamas until bedtime. Sigh.
I'm thinking maybe I just can't leave him for a month with a teacher he's not familiar with. I've mulled over taking two weeks off in July and then taking the rest of the month as unpaid leave. It would be hard, financially, but I could do it. I've considered renting a car for the month and driving him to Helen's house every day. This would be costly as well, but not as costly as unpaid leave. And he would definitely be comfortable with her.
I'm going on the assumption that this is an adoption related issue --that his security is tied to his routine. I worry that he needs to learn to be adaptable and flexible. I don't want to feed into this issue and make it a bigger problem. My instincts are telling me to stay with him until Elizabeth arrives, to suck it up and rent the car so he can be comfortable with Helen, that I'm expecting too much of him. Does he need to learn this lesson about flexibility and adapting now, or is next July a more appropriate time? Is it too soon for me to worry about this? He's only home 8 months. What do the experienced adoptive parents think?
4 comments:
I think that Adam is only 2 years old and whether or not he were adopted probably does not play much into this. Many 2 year olds are not flexible and they adjust slowly over time. Some kids never become flexible and are always tied into routine and habit. He may stop crying and carrying on if you leave....have you tried that. Often the fit lasts longer whe the paretn is present. I would try that and see how he does.
Kristin
Will your employer let you take your vacation time as half days rather than full days? Perhaps you could take half-days off for the entire month of July, and have one of the neighborhood teachers watch Adam. I did this with Sophia the first summer she was home (she was 4 years old), and it worked out beautifully. I would be nervous about taking full days off for the whole month, or even for two weeks, because he might not want to go back to daycare at all at the end of that time, which could be much MORE traumatic. I think he would get used to a part-time daycare routine within the first week.
Had similar (smaller scale) issues with my bio son at Adam's age. Obviously haven't had any with DoriGrace yet. All I know if that it is heartbreaking to see your child that upset. I feel for you!
He's been through a lot. I think you should heed his strong reactions at this point. Certainly his past experiences play into things now and will continue to for some time. Whatever you can do to minimize his stress. He will learn flexibility, but for now he obviously needs routine and predictability. Lucas sis just now where I can leave him with other people (besides at his school.) and he's been home 14 months.
Go with your instinct. You can't spoil him yet, believe it or not.
Carla
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