Oh, so THIS is the hard part...

...ok, its been 25 days since my referral, since the first moment I saw my son's face. While the initial euphoria has most definitely NOT passed and has, in fact, deepened, the first flurry of activity around the referral has died down. And, for the first time in the process, this finally feels really, really hard.

Since the moment I submitted my initial application, the process itself involved me very actively for many months. Suddenly, my role has become very passive -- I wait. When I got the email saying I was on the waiting list, there was a sense of relief at the transition in my role, knowing it was all out of my hands. My referral came so quickly -- 5 days -- and then the joy, the love, his beautiful little face.

And now the waiting. A different waiting -- knowing who he is, where he is, every picture and fact about him already a part of our history together -- but we're not together.

I don't think I'm going to be good at this part.

Song for my son

When my agency left the first message for me about my referral, I was seeing the current revival of The Fantasticks in NYC. The Fantasticks is my favorite play of all time. I've seen it many times over the years, including twice in its current incarnation. I love every song, especially the classic "Try to Remember" . But when I think of the baby, this song comes to me.

When the moon was young
When the month was May
When the stage was hung for my holiday
I saw shining lights
But I never knew
They were you. They were you. They were you.
When the dance was done
When I went my way
When I tried to find rainbows far away
All the lovely lights
Seemed to fade from view
They were you. They were you. They were you.
Without you near me I can't see
When you're near me
Wonderful things come to be
Every secret prayer
Every fancy free
Everything I dared for both you and me
All my wildest dreams
Multiplied by two
They were you. They were you. They were you.

A baby...via email!

What an odd thing -- to get an email and know it contains an attachment with a picture and information about a baby 8,892 miles away who will become your child! And what a long, strange road to get to that moment! That moment came for me, at long, long last, on March 5, 2007. The first picture I saw of my almost 11 month old son.

The whole experience was surreal -- I had only been on the waiting list two days and had just been told the day before it would likely be 1-3 months before I got my referral. When I got the message that Katie from Dillon International had called, I was convinced there was some error in my paperwork, or some new bureaucratic loophole I needed to jump through. I didn't dare dream that this was "the" call all prospective adoptive parents long for. I was completely off balance for the whole call -- I was also thrown by the fact that he was 10 months old already -- I had been expecting a younger baby. I didn't know what to ask or what to say, other than that I wanted to see a picture.

An email quickly followed and I opened it with a shaking hand, scrolling quickly past his birth certificate and other legal documents looking for the picture. It wasn't there, but a second email quickly followed and there he was. The minute I looked at his beautiful, solemn little face staring right into the camera, he was mine.