Adoption guilt....not so much

I follow quite a number of adoption blogs regularly and am always following links to other blogs, specific posts, and articles or sites of interest and I've noticed a lot of writing on the subject of guilt on the part of adoptive parents. Guilt about their children losing their birth culture, guilt over the the pain of the birthparents, guilt that their children have lost their birthparents, guilt that their children will have to deal with all the issues surrounded international adoptees, inability to fully enjoy their child's birthday because they feel guilty that the birthmother must be suffering on this date....a whole universe of guilt that I just....don't understand.

Let me first say that I am NOT belittling these feelings or the sincerity and caring of those expressing them. Nor do I intend to minimize these very important issues and their impacts on our children or the losses they have to deal with. But I just cannot relate to them or even understand the guilt.

There are some losses that seem, to me, be balanced by gains. For example, the loss of their birth culture. There is a corresponding gain of an entirely new culture, with new possibilities and opportunities that never would have presented themselves otherwise. I can't see feeling guilty about this. I think this loss can be somewhat mitigated by exposing the children to their birth cultures and keeping it alive for them.

The larger and more primal loss is, of course, that of the birth family. I CERTAINLY feel empathy and even some grief for my son's loss and all that he will have to process.

I have tremendous sympathy and compassion for Adam's birth family and think of them often. He has two living birthparents and older siblings. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in a position where you are faced with the decision to give up your child. Nor can I imagine spending the rest of my life missing him. But, guilt? Not an ounce or a drop.

In a perfect world, people would never have to make such decisions based on monetary or cultural pressure. But we live in an imperfect world. I truly believe that when his parents made the heartrending, loving decision to place him for adoption, that THIS was the outcome they hoped for. That if they couldn't raise him, that he would find his way to someone who could, who would love him more than life. I'm so glad that someone was me.