How Old is Adam?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Follow up to a earlier post
Erin from the Dillon list asked me a question about my post regarding the book "Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion" and my beliefs in regard to raising Adam. She asked if I would allow him the same freedom to make his own decision, as I have. It was such a good question it warranted revisiting the issue. The answer is yes, I absolutely plan to allow him the freedom to make his own choices when it comes to religion. Interestingly, that is one of the points in the book Parenting Beyond Belief. It suggests you expose the child to all different belief systems and religion very openly, including your own, of course, and if he shows an interest in one, be open to allowing him to develop it. So, that's what I plan to do! I already have a beautiful book of Buddhist Fairy Tales!
On wanting a reader
If the riches of the Indies, or the crowns of all the kingdoms of Europe, were laid at my feet in exchange for my love of reading, I would spurn them all” - Francois Fenelon
I'm of the mindset that half the fun of raising a child is discovering who they turn out to be. To nurture and guide them and provide them with opportunities so that they are secure and happy and able to develop into the person they are meant to be and find their path to a meaningful, happy life. So, I'm not sitting here hoping and planning that Adam will be a doctor or a lawyer (although if he would like to be a professional baseball player, perhaps the first Vietnamese shortstop in New York Mets history...with season tickets for his Mom....)
That being said, oh, how I want him to be a reader. For all the obvious reasons -- and some a little less obvious. Thomas Jefferson said "I cannot live without books" Or chocolate. (Ok, maybe the part about chocolate wasn't Thomas Jefferson .....) And that's exactly how I feel. About books and chocolate.
In a difficult and painful childhood, books were always there. For many years they provided escape and fantasy and fun. How could you be bored when there were books to be read? In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss: The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.” I want that for Adam.
But, later, they took on a different and even more important role. I started to get the idea that perhaps everyone was not like my family, that there were other ways of being, other types of lives, and that maybe, just maybe, mine could be different as well. That maybe I didn't have to be the person this childhood and this situation was molding me into. What a gift! And books helped me figure out how to attain that different kind of life, to learn out who I really was away from all the drama and pain, the kind of person I wanted to be. And they guided me to the help I needed to do all that hard work.
And now they are helping me prepare to be the best mama to a very special little boy so he can be the best and the happiest that he can be.
Oh, how I hope Adam will be a reader.
I'm of the mindset that half the fun of raising a child is discovering who they turn out to be. To nurture and guide them and provide them with opportunities so that they are secure and happy and able to develop into the person they are meant to be and find their path to a meaningful, happy life. So, I'm not sitting here hoping and planning that Adam will be a doctor or a lawyer (although if he would like to be a professional baseball player, perhaps the first Vietnamese shortstop in New York Mets history...with season tickets for his Mom....)
That being said, oh, how I want him to be a reader. For all the obvious reasons -- and some a little less obvious. Thomas Jefferson said "I cannot live without books" Or chocolate. (Ok, maybe the part about chocolate wasn't Thomas Jefferson .....) And that's exactly how I feel. About books and chocolate.
In a difficult and painful childhood, books were always there. For many years they provided escape and fantasy and fun. How could you be bored when there were books to be read? In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss: The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.” I want that for Adam.
But, later, they took on a different and even more important role. I started to get the idea that perhaps everyone was not like my family, that there were other ways of being, other types of lives, and that maybe, just maybe, mine could be different as well. That maybe I didn't have to be the person this childhood and this situation was molding me into. What a gift! And books helped me figure out how to attain that different kind of life, to learn out who I really was away from all the drama and pain, the kind of person I wanted to be. And they guided me to the help I needed to do all that hard work.
And now they are helping me prepare to be the best mama to a very special little boy so he can be the best and the happiest that he can be.
Oh, how I hope Adam will be a reader.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Whew!
Choosing a guardian is a daunting task. As a single parent, it is especially important and I wanted to have it in place before I travel to pick up Adam. When I had to name someone as guardian on my agency application, I immediately put one of my brothers and his wife as a sort of "placeholder".
Now that there is a real child and he will be here soon (fingers crossed!) I had to sit and think the whole thing through carefully. I know my brother and sister-in-law would take Adam without hesitation. But there was a lot to consider. Their financial situation. Some very real differences in our politics, world views and ideas on parenting, gender roles, race etc. The specific ways our childhood affected him The fact that they live in Florida. (Apologies in advance to Floridians! I am a New Yorker, heart mind and soul. Florida is just a very different place from New York.) And I realized that while they will be a wonderful aunt and uncle, its not where I want Adam to be if something happens to me.
I have a very dear cousin who immediately came to mind as a potential guardian. She and her husband live about half an hour from me and have similar politics, ethics and attitudes about children and childrearing. I love how they parent their 3 children. I had no doubt they were who I wanted as guardians. But I was so scared to ask them! Its quite a huge thing to ask of someone. And I WAY overthought the whole thing and drove myself crazy. You can't believe how many things I worried about -- Was it the sort of thing you ask in email or is that inappropriate? Should it be in person or would a phone call suffice? Did both she and her husband have to be there or could I ask her and let her discuss it with him? Could I ask in front of her kids?
We were going to a family shower this past weekend -- would it be appropriate to ask in the car? If so, should I ask on the way there, or on the way back? I started to worry that since they were so terrific, many other people must have already asked them and my asking would be just too much - how many kids could they handle? I worried I would put them on the spot and they'd feel obligated to say yes, but wouldn't really want to. LOL! Clearly, I haven't had enough therapy.
I took the train out to her house on Saturday for the trip up to Connecticut and the shower with all these worries running through my head. And after talking to the children for a few minutes, getting the gifts and the hand me down clothing she had for me into the car, there was this one sudden moment where she and I and her husband were alone. I blurted it out and they both answered yes almost before I could finish the question! They were thrilled and so am I!
Now that there is a real child and he will be here soon (fingers crossed!) I had to sit and think the whole thing through carefully. I know my brother and sister-in-law would take Adam without hesitation. But there was a lot to consider. Their financial situation. Some very real differences in our politics, world views and ideas on parenting, gender roles, race etc. The specific ways our childhood affected him The fact that they live in Florida. (Apologies in advance to Floridians! I am a New Yorker, heart mind and soul. Florida is just a very different place from New York.) And I realized that while they will be a wonderful aunt and uncle, its not where I want Adam to be if something happens to me.
I have a very dear cousin who immediately came to mind as a potential guardian. She and her husband live about half an hour from me and have similar politics, ethics and attitudes about children and childrearing. I love how they parent their 3 children. I had no doubt they were who I wanted as guardians. But I was so scared to ask them! Its quite a huge thing to ask of someone. And I WAY overthought the whole thing and drove myself crazy. You can't believe how many things I worried about -- Was it the sort of thing you ask in email or is that inappropriate? Should it be in person or would a phone call suffice? Did both she and her husband have to be there or could I ask her and let her discuss it with him? Could I ask in front of her kids?
We were going to a family shower this past weekend -- would it be appropriate to ask in the car? If so, should I ask on the way there, or on the way back? I started to worry that since they were so terrific, many other people must have already asked them and my asking would be just too much - how many kids could they handle? I worried I would put them on the spot and they'd feel obligated to say yes, but wouldn't really want to. LOL! Clearly, I haven't had enough therapy.
I took the train out to her house on Saturday for the trip up to Connecticut and the shower with all these worries running through my head. And after talking to the children for a few minutes, getting the gifts and the hand me down clothing she had for me into the car, there was this one sudden moment where she and I and her husband were alone. I blurted it out and they both answered yes almost before I could finish the question! They were thrilled and so am I!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Thank you, Jessica!
I want to thank Jessica, who just picked up her son Beckett in Vinh Long for the new pictures of Adam, including the famous meltdown picture, which is now my new favorite! She also took the time to tell me a little bit about him:
Adam truly seems to be a happy little fellow, despite photos to the contrary. I think he was just freaked out by the number of strangers in the room and he hated the camera flash. The nanny took him downstairs to the toddler room to calm him down, and as it turns out he's very social. Just seeing the other kids almost instantly cheered him up. Hopefully this doesn't spoil anything for you, but if I were you I'd want to know... He crawls. He crawls fast! If baby olympics existed I'd say you should sign him up because he blazes across the floor. You better get your house proofing underway
Thank you, thank you, thank you! It means more to me than I can say.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Gratuitous cute children photos
For no reason other than that I am crazy about them and think they are the best looking bunch, here are Adam's cousins. Left to right, Richie is 16, Ashley is 3, Nicky is 9 and Daniel is 14.
Adam is going to have a great time with the boys, and will have a blast with Ashley, once he realizes she is queen of the universe!
On Nicky's 8th birthday, I came to Florida to surprise him. See the big box on the right side of this picture? I hid in the box and he opened me! What a fun memory! This picture also includes Sean, on the left. Sean is my brother's stepson. Sean was in our family from age 2 until shortly after this photo was taken. His mother left my brother and moved him and his brother Matt away and we haven't seen them since, despite our efforts. I hope he will come back to us when he is a little older. Sean and Matt will always be my nephews in my heart and I hope they will get to meet Adam. Saturday, June 9, 2007
Another 'no update' update and assorted ramblings
How frustrating is the "no update" update? You see the email pop up in your inbox from your agency and your heart leaps -- and then you open it and see that there is actually no update. Sigh.
This part of the process is excruciating -I hate not being able to do anything to move this forward. Since there truly is nothing I can do except sulk and whine, and those are less than productive past times, I've decided to try and shift my attitude and focus on the positive things about the waiting period. (I can't swear it will work, but I'm going to try!)
On the positive side, I have had a lot of time to read about adoption issues and child development. I just finished "Attaching in Adoption", which was terrific. I've also read the classic "The Magic Years", and a great book called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys".
On Friday, I received "Toddler Adoption" and "Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion". I'm very excited to read both of them. (Disclaimer: please please, dear readers, do not take me to task about "Parent Beyond Belief". I completely respect the feeling and beliefs of those whose religious beliefs ares central to their lives. My beliefs are as deeply felt and important to me and have been arrived at after a life time of searching and reading and learning. My mind is not going to be changed on this issue at this point in my life.)
I've had the time to network and become involved in the internet support community of families with children from Vietnam. I have learned so much from the assorted groups I belong to and the blogs of those who have "been there/done that". Following the blogs of parents as they travel have been especially illuminating and helpful.
I'm starting to take the next step and actually meet people from these lists in my area -- I look forward to getting to know more parents and children and having their support and friendship in our lives once Adam comes home, and being able to give my support and friendship in return.
All this invaluable information and support and friendship -- what did we do before the internet?
Its time to get started on Adam's room. I've had the crib for over a year, and received most of the other furniture and items at my shower in November. Its going to be a lot of work -- I'm moving into the second bedroom in my apartment and Adam will have the room that is currently mine. So, aside from assembling the crib and dresser/changing table, I've got to move my own furniture and paint. I hope this project can absorb a lot of my attention and distract me from the wait.
Ok, I'm being positive. Do I get rewarded with a REAL update now?
This part of the process is excruciating -I hate not being able to do anything to move this forward. Since there truly is nothing I can do except sulk and whine, and those are less than productive past times, I've decided to try and shift my attitude and focus on the positive things about the waiting period. (I can't swear it will work, but I'm going to try!)
On the positive side, I have had a lot of time to read about adoption issues and child development. I just finished "Attaching in Adoption", which was terrific. I've also read the classic "The Magic Years", and a great book called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys".
On Friday, I received "Toddler Adoption" and "Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion". I'm very excited to read both of them. (Disclaimer: please please, dear readers, do not take me to task about "Parent Beyond Belief". I completely respect the feeling and beliefs of those whose religious beliefs ares central to their lives. My beliefs are as deeply felt and important to me and have been arrived at after a life time of searching and reading and learning. My mind is not going to be changed on this issue at this point in my life.)
I've had the time to network and become involved in the internet support community of families with children from Vietnam. I have learned so much from the assorted groups I belong to and the blogs of those who have "been there/done that". Following the blogs of parents as they travel have been especially illuminating and helpful.
I'm starting to take the next step and actually meet people from these lists in my area -- I look forward to getting to know more parents and children and having their support and friendship in our lives once Adam comes home, and being able to give my support and friendship in return.
All this invaluable information and support and friendship -- what did we do before the internet?
Its time to get started on Adam's room. I've had the crib for over a year, and received most of the other furniture and items at my shower in November. Its going to be a lot of work -- I'm moving into the second bedroom in my apartment and Adam will have the room that is currently mine. So, aside from assembling the crib and dresser/changing table, I've got to move my own furniture and paint. I hope this project can absorb a lot of my attention and distract me from the wait.
Ok, I'm being positive. Do I get rewarded with a REAL update now?
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