Adopting Adam

“On with the dance! Let joy be unconfined” - Lord Byron

2011-04-27T10:14:00.008-05:00

Adam is five

2011-04-27T09:59:00.006-05:00

Five! How is it possible?

2011-04-02T19:10:00.006-05:00

Adam will be five next week. Five! That's not a baby, or even a toddler! That's kindergarten! REAL school!

It's been a year of stunning growth and some real struggles. The child can read! He sleeps in his own bed, and, believe or not, FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY sleeps through the night MOST nights. While far from normal, his "pooping problem" is better than it has ever been. As is his eating. On rare occasions, I even hear the phrase "I'm hungry!" from him.

He remains incredibly social and extremely...er....verbose. Every time out he has ever gotten in school has been for talking too much, with the exception of that time he "showed a teacher his tongue." Every time we leave the house, we run into someone who knows Adam, be it a store cashier, a local firefighter, or just someone who has seen him in the neighborhood in his firefighter costume. Or his Ironman helmet. Or his pirate costume.

He still loves music and dance, and was so proud of his debut as the Wise Man King Gaspar in his school's Christmas play this past Christmas. "I am King Gaspar, I bring him myrrh, a bitter herb, because he will have to suffer." A cheerful Christmas line for a four year old if I ever heard one. And he did double duty appearing as Alvin in his class's individual number "The Chipmunk Song."

He's a baseball fan (naturally - he doesn't have much of a choice in this house!), loves Max & Ruby, though he finds Ruby to be a little bossy (the bossy pot calling the kettle black in the extreme), Team Umizoomi, Rugrats, Ironman, Power Rangers Samurai(help me), and Hawaii Five-O.

I have yet to take him anywhere that didn't interest him. I can take him to the mall and he is content to shop with me and has definite opinions on clothing. He is the only child I've ever know who has always played with money. When he was younger, he would take coins and stuff them into his cars. The other day he emptied the contents of his piggybank and spent close to two hours amusing himself. He poured them into dump trunks and drove them around, he piled them up, and dumped them. He put them into his pots and pans and made coin meals. He is never bored.

We've started to tackle some hard issues. I've had him cry to me that he doesn't want me to get old, that he doesn't want me to die when he gets old. I've been asked the dreaded "Did I grow in your tummy?" question and had to tell him that as dearly as I wish he had, he didn't. I've been asked how do babies get in tummies. Four is not as young as it used to be.

His temper remains formidable and his rage in a tantrum takes me aback. We have struggled mightily this year with tantrums and are getting good help.

Adam is almost five. Where has the time gone? Its gone into my heart -- into precious memories and the foundation of what is yet to come. What could be better than that?

So, I' ve been thinking....

2011-04-01T10:38:00.003-05:00

....about about facebook and how its instant gratification with little effort impacts on blogging and not blogging. And its not enough anymore. I miss blogging. I've also been thinking about the nature of the blog. I wanted to put more "me" into it. For it not to be focussed on Adam, although I do still want to capture Adam and his adventures. I wanted to address more personal topics and thoughts and social issues and this didn't seem to be the place to do it. And I do still want to capture Adam and his adventures. So it seems that the solution is to have TWO blogs. Now that I finally have internet access at home, I think the time is right to get back to updating this blog and starting the new blog. The new blog can be found at kathy-thinkingthroughmyfingers.blogspot.com. Hope to see you there -- and here!

I couldn't have said it better myself

2011-02-10T12:59:00.001-05:00

A love of reading shows curiosity about the world & how it works, whether you're reading a science journal or a novel or a history book. A love of reading shows empathy, the desire to understand how others live or act or might act - and why. A love of reading lets you connect with other minds across space and time, exploring similar passions & finding new ones. Curiosity, empathy, passion -these are all qualities I want my son to have. They'll help him succeed later in life, & they'll also make him a better, more interesting person. - Amy Ng

Photo updates #2 - summer pics

2010-07-28T12:37:00.009-05:00

Photo Updates Part 1 - Vietnam Heritage Weekend

2010-07-28T09:46:00.015-05:00

In June, Adam and I traveled to Tulsa, OK to attend our adoption agency's Vietname Heritage weekend for the second time. We were so excited to see some of our travel group and especially to see Thomas, Dillon's man in Vietnam who helped us while we were there. Its so good to put names and faces to people who's journeys you follow via their blogs or facebook.

<

Welcome changes

2010-06-18T09:40:00.003-05:00

a>
For sure he is not sleeping so well. But the heart is full and jumping with happiness, so...” - Jose Mourinho

We have big and welcome changes going on in our house. Its been a couple of weeks now, so I think I am safe in saying Adam has settled into a new sleeping pattern. Some nights, he sleeps through the night(!) and the others he wakes up once. A mere 2 years and 9 months after he came home at the age of 18 months!

Even bigger new, despite the ongoing problems with constipation, he's starting to toilet train. Woo hoo! Big big changes that will make both our lives so much easier. Go Adam!

thought to ponder

2010-06-07T11:03:00.001-05:00

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If
you're alive, it isn't. -Richard Bach

Quote of the day

2010-05-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

“Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed." Herman Melville

Adam is 4

2010-05-06T08:54:00.006-05:00

Adam wore his fireman's costume all weekend this past weekend. Everywhere we went, of course, people smiled or commented. Adam was thrilled -- "All the people are looking at me!" That's Adam.

When we were walking to pick up prescriptions a few blocks away, Adam ran the whole way, all the time watching himself run in the windows of every store we passed. That's Adam.

When we watch the Mets play on TV, Adam wears his Mets hat, has his bat and glove ready, and acts out everything he sees on the screen. That's Adam.

While Adam was talking to my mother on the phone last night, he was telling her about a baseball game and said he was Jose Reyes and when he said Jose the second time, that lead him to burst into the Star Spangled Banner (Jose can you see?) and he sang the whole song to her. That's Adam.

If he sees someone on the street with a Yankees hat or t-shirt, he goes right up to them and yells "Boo 'Ankees!" If they decide to engage with him on the subject of Mets vs. Yankees, he stands his ground. That's Adam.

When we run into people in the street who seemingly know us, a cashier from a store, or someone who works in his school,and I have no idea who they are. Afterward, I can ask him and he always knows. That's Adam.

When we leave school at night, we have to visit his classrooms from the two previous years and say goodnight to and hug his former teachers. That's Adam.

When he talks to people on the phone, he always asks "How are you today? OK?" That's Adam.

The words "Jamblaya" and "bamboo" send him into gales of laughter. I don't know why. That's Adam.

He is brilliant, bossy, stubborn, strong, hilarious. He has always understood the concept of a joke and he always gets it. He is very good company. He is challenging, enjoyable, lovable, loving, wise. That's Adam.

Adam is 4. Who could want for more?

"...whatever I was looking for was always you..." - Rumi

2010-04-27T14:51:00.003-05:00

2010-04-19T13:25:00.009-05:00

Calvin's got nothing on a raging, tantrumming Adam.

Adam has always had a bad temper. Combined with an iron will and amazing focus, he has been a formidable foe. He also has some control issues. His behavior had been steadily improving as he's gotten older. The tantrums were becoming less in number, the intensity and duration were lessening. He was understanding more and more, he was grasping the concept of patience and that "yes, but not now" still meant yes and his increasing emotional maturity was clear.

In the last two months or so, however, he has been very much on edge. Every "no" or "not now" results in either tears or a tantrum. The slightest flash of anger has him throwing things and trying to scratch or hit me. Defiance is creeping into our world. Its hard to know, sometimes, what's a "normal" tantrum or age related behavior and what is adoption related or something that requires professional attention.

His more recent meltdowns and tantrums are the kind where he gets himself so worked up that he cannot control himself or stop. A few weeks ago in the middle of a meltdown that he couldn't stop he said to me "This crying is giving me a hard time." So he knows he can't control himself and it is frustrating him as well.

While we were in Las Vegas, Adam had two major tantrums that gave me pause. Lucky me, both were in public and both were in locations I could not remove him from. Oh, the very best kind of tantrums! The kind that make you want to die from embarrassment.

Disclaimer: On the whole, Adam was a trooper in Las Vegas. We did not bring a stroller and he gamely walked everywhere every day. He generally doesn't do well when he is taken out of his routine. And he was tired as he didn't nap the whole time we were there.

The first was on a bus on the way back from Hoover Dam. I have to honestly say that whatever it was that set him off was so inconsequential that I don't even remember what it was. But, whatever it was, it led to a good 20 minutes of screaming, shrieking, hitting, scratching and attempting to throw anything he could get his hands on. (And my refusal to allow him to get his hands on anything to throw just made matters worse.) He resorted to ripping the plastic hard hat he got on the tour clean in half.

The second of the two was by far the worst tantrum he's had in his life. And it happened in the worst possible place for a tantrum -- on a plane. This time, there was definitely a clear reason -- young Prince Adam did not WISH to "remain seated with his seatbelt fastened for the remainder of the flight." Thus ensued 45 minutes of a mindblowing tantrum that left me bruised and frustrated and emotionally drained. The level of his rage was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do. I initially tried simply holding the buckle of the seat belt closed, thinking he would give up (HA!). That didn't last for long as Adam was in a middle seat and I was on the aisle and I couldn't allow his flailing and kicking to touch the person in the window seat. I took him on my lap, at which point he decided he wanted to stand in the aisle, which was simply not going to happen. He kicked, he screamed as if he were being murdered, he scratched, he fought me. He tried to rip the tray table off the back of the seat in front of him so he could throw it. I was pretty helpless. All I could do was try to physically contain him so that the only one he hurt was...well...me. Had there been a parachute handy, I would have happily jumped. When we got off the plane a million years later, he was still carrying on, so I saw down in the gate area and told him we weren't going to leave until he calmed down. He carried on for about 10 minutes more, then got up and stalked over to a seat about 20 seats away from me and sat there glaring at me for another 15 minutes or so until he was ready to leave.

I was so shaken and drained by the experience I called in sick the next day and just recuperated at home alone with the pup. I have been around a LOT of children in my life. I babysat for many years as an adult and have known intimately some very difficult and challenging kids. I have NEVER seen this sort of anger in a child. And I am at a loss as to how to handle it.

Complicating the situation are my own issues with anger. I have a very hard time with it. I come from a very angry family. Paradoxically, I wasn't "allowed" to express anger or even to feel it. Because of this, I have made a strong effort with Adam not to shame him or deny him the right to his own feelings. I have consistently told him it is perfectly fine to BE angry, but he can't throw or hit or scratch BECAUSE he's angry. It's not the emotion that's a problem, its the behavior. I've told him that he can stamp his feet and yell "I'm angry!" I've tried making attempts to calm and reason with him when he's angry. I've tried ignoring it and walking away. I've tried being firm and authoritative with him. Absolutely nothing makes a difference Weren't these things -- the right things -- supposed to work?

Disturbingly, I'm finding myself getting very angry with Adam. And I don't know what to do with the anger either. So, whether its something adoption related, something age related, or just something Adam-related, we need help. In a calmer moment I talked to Adam and told him I think we needed to talk to someone about "our" anger and he agreed.

He's so verbal that if the problem is something he is aware of consciously, I have no doubt he will be able to talk about it. I think he will love the attention of a therapist and the conversation. If its something he's not consciously aware of, I'm confident the therapist will be able to figure it out.

For those of you who are fans of Everybody Loves Raymond, We are NOT going to be "The Angry Family"...

Las Vegas 2010

2010-04-15T10:03:00.012-05:00

So, I miss posting for a couple of weeks...

2010-03-23T09:41:00.006-05:00

...and somehow Adam turned 4! How did this happen? It sounds like such a cliche to say it is all going so fast, but it is true. I will regale you with pictures from his birthday and push myself back into blogging! I have a lot to say!

Opinions, experiences requested

2010-02-04T13:35:00.002-05:00

I'm struggling a bit with how much information is appropriate to present to Adam at this time about his birth family/adoption, etc. Right now, what he knows is that he was born in Vietnam and that I took a plane to go and get him and bring him home. Recently, I added to his knowledge the fact that he has family in Vietnam and that we can visit them someday when he is older if he likes. But I haven't been very explicit about who this family is. So, I'm wondering -- is this enough information for him at his age? I have pictures I could show him. Should I tell him these are his parents and siblings? (Not to take anything away from his rather large extended imaginary family, which includes his "other mother", his child, his brothers, his husband (LOL)and his sisters -- who are the only ones who seem to have names -- Caneena Ootz and Caneena Aatz).

Is this too much information right now? I know the right thing to do -- its the timing and the details that are hard.

Wise words

2010-02-02T14:40:00.000-05:00

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall-- think of it, always.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Makes you think

2010-01-08T15:21:00.001-05:00

“How often my fear and ambivalence are rooted in what somebody else may think. But I need not present my actions, my words, myself for somebody else's approval. And basing my decisions on somebody else's approval or making my own approval contingent on somebody else's only postpones what I really want.”

- Jan Denise -

Everyone poops (part 2)

2010-01-08T11:28:00.003-05:00

After months of trying to retrain Adam's recalcitrant colon with only minimal success, the pooping doctor has decided its time to take further action. First step is an abdominal x-ray to rule out (hopefully) Hirschsprung's disease. This is a disease in which portions of the intestine have no nerve endings and therefore can't push the poop along its merry way, causing a very unpleasant traffic jam. If it is Hirschsprung's, treatment may involve surgical remove of the ineffective part of the intestines -- doesn't that sound like fun?

If it isn't, he's going to refer us to a specialist. I'm hoping Adam can be toilet trained before high school.

Is it genetic?

2010-01-05T11:22:00.002-05:00

On the plane to Florida, Adam said to the stewardess "Oh, you have beautiful legs!". She was charmed. I was mortified.

We saw the Radio City Christmas Show for the second time this Christmas and Adam got the DVD for Christmas. He has now informed me he likes the Rockettes legs and butts.

Where does he get this stuff? LOL! He certainly doesn't get it from me and I doubt Sister Enalyn discusses legs and butts much at daycare. I can remember him sitting in the stroller in a drugstore while we were waiting for a prescription and watching him reach out to squeeze some unsuspecting woman's rear. Is it just genetic? A male thing?

OK.....

2009-12-28T15:42:00.001-05:00

.....being an only child. Pros and cons. Discuss.

Words of Wisdom

2009-12-15T14:39:00.001-05:00

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer (121-180)

Ok, so here's a new one....

2009-11-04T09:44:00.002-05:00

....Adam spent a good deal of time crying last night because he wants to (sigh) "change Sister Enalyn's (his teacher) diaper" and I informed him that 1) No! and 2)she doesn't have a diaper. WTF?

"There is no more Adam -- only Fireman."

2009-11-03T11:16:00.007-05:00

That is how Adam responded when addressed by name over the Halloween weekend, during which he wore his costume every day and visited the firehouse twice. Life is good!

Touch A Truck Day

2009-11-03T09:59:00.011-05:00

The Junior League of a nearby town hosted a fundraiser two weeks ago called "Touch A Truck Day". The simple brilliance of this idea is almost staggering. What's the overhead? You drive a bunch of trucks into a parking lot, park them, and voila! Instant fundraiser! For $5, a zillion kids converge on the place and honk the horns
of every truck they can get their hands on. What a blast!

!

“What orbit of the planets has put you and me in this place, at this moment? Where time takes a breath, and we dance on the edge of our dreams?”

2009-10-23T10:20:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while, there's a moment...something very ordinary...or maybe something completely unexpected...that is so magical and right that it fills you with such joy and awe that it takes your breath away.

At naptime on Saturday, Adam was reluctant to sleep, so rather than putting his in his crib, I let him lay down on a futon on the living room floor. I laid down with him and the dog joined us. We were all warm and sleepy, the dog curled up with her head in the crook of one of my arms, Adam snuggled into the other and I was so completely and perfectly happy and grateful that I almost cried.

Captain Courageous

2009-10-14T10:08:00.007-05:00

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Adam is a fairly fearless child. There are pretty much only three things he is scared of -- Batman, Spiderman, and King Kong.

When he first came home, he was very afraid of sand and of grass. The fear of grass ended abruptly when he saw the swingset in my brother's yard and decided it was worth running over the grass to get to it. We went to Florida for Christmas three months after he came home and he wouldn't let his feet touch the sand, with or without shoes. The next summer, we went to the Aquarium at Coney Island. Before we went he talked about how he was going to walk on the sand to see the ocean. Once on the boardwalk, he steeled himself and stepped out onto the sand. He got about three steps before he screamed and called for me to pick him up. We went back to the boardwalk and he immediately wanted to try again. Mind you, I didn't push the idea of walking on the sand in any way -- this was all his own idea. He made three similar attempts before he gave up. Last Christmas, he was determined to walk on the sand and after a few stalled attempts, succeeded - with his shoes on. This summer the shoes came off and he walked from the Coney Island Boardwalk to the water and back. I was muchly impressed at how he took on this fear, faced it, and conquered it --all on his own.

Lately I've noticed that if he sees something that scares him on TV, after his initial reaction, he will ask me to rewind it and play it again. And again. And again. And again. Until it no longer scares him. How does he know to do this? And that it will work for him? I am in awe of this child.

Quote of the week

2009-10-08T11:25:00.001-05:00

Never, never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Dysfunction junction

2009-10-08T10:41:00.006-05:00

When you come from a dysfunctional background, your judgement and perception of behaviors is often skewed. Behaviors that occurred as a matter of course in your life and that just seemed "normal" to you, not necessarily kind or nice, but not out of the norm. Its only when you start to have other comparative experiences, get to know the way other families behave that you (hopefully!) see it for what it is and break out of a pattern. For example, when I lived in Manhattan years ago, my father would drive up from Florida to visit his relatives in Rockland County (just north of NYC). He would never drive into Manhattan to pick me up, rather he would have me take the subway to the end of the line in the Bronx, stand on the cross-Bronx expressway, and pick me up on his way. I am embarrassed to say I didn't think twice about this. It was only when I mentioned it casually to someone who reacted with horror, that I stopped and really thought about it. Even then, I had to mention it to another person as sort of a test to see their reaction. Pretty much the same. I stopped standing on the highway. He still wouldn't pick me up, but I stopped standing on the highway.

So, years of therapy later, I have a little situation that gives me some pause, but not until later do I really react as I should have.

Over the summer my mother was up from Florida and wanted to visit her nephew. So we rented a car and drove upstate. Present were my cousin and his wife, his daughter, her husband and their two small children(my cousin is only about 9 years younger than my mother), and his deceased son's widow and her young daughter, and my cousin's sister-in-law. I hadn't seen them since about 2 months before Adam came home, at their son's wake and funeral.

The day was more pleasant than I thought it would be -- my cousin is a doctor, and very much into the ego thing of being a doctor. He's also a Marine, conservative, sexist -- well, we just don't have much in common. I tried to avoid spending much time with them as the whole family setup was very dysfunctional and uncomfortable for me. The wife drank heavily. There was some weird emotional triangle between my cousin, his wife, and the sister-in-law, who moved in with them when she was about 12 years old and is still there -- 25-30 years later. Just not comfortable.

The untimely death of their son, early 30s, seemingly completely healthy, with a wife and young baby, of a heart attack, has wrought some changes that made the situation much more tolerable. So, the day was pleasant, everyone was kind to Adam, but something nagged at me. They had never met Adam and asked not one question about him. Not one question about the adoption itself, the trip to Vietnam, how I had adjusted, how he had adjusted. Nothing. And it bothered me. I mentioned it to my mother, who got angry. She had never recognized the dysfunction of the whole situation, thought I focused too much on it. So I sort of let it go.

Last week, we were in the pediatrician's waiting room and Adam was playing with a younger baby. His mother asked me where he was from and when I told her Vietnam, asked me a million questions -- about adoption, about Vietnam, about how he was adjusting, about how I was adjusting, about how it was being a single mother....and it brought this summer visit to my mind. So, which situation was normal? Family not asking a single question about the single most important experience in my life or expressing much interest in my son? Or a total stranger asking me every question under the sun? I'm going with the kindness of strangers.

Tempering the temper

2009-09-23T09:38:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned that Adam has a TERRIBLE temper? No, really. A TERRIBLE temper. Combine that with an iron will and an incredible ability to focus and persevere and well, Mama's exhausted. I keep telling myself that, with the exception of the actual temper, these are strengths. That,properly channeled, will be an enormous advantage. But, it is sometimes hard to remember that, when he is moving towards the the second hour of a screaming rage -- not one tear in his eye, mind you, just pure rage, that perhaps I have chosen to discipline him for throwing or hitting.

Last night was one of those nights, where he was just tantrummy all night long. I can't even remember what he threw, but I put him in his crib for a time out. Because I know the child, I removed his pillow, blanket, and cars that he sleeps with from the crib prior to depositing him because I knew he would simply seize upon them and throw them as well.

I put him in the crib, told him why he was there, set the timer and sat on the couch. Not 5 seconds later, his shoes came flying out of the room, followed shortly thereafter by his socks. But it was when his shirt came flying through the door that I had to smother my laughter. I thought perhaps I should strip him naked before his next time out, but was quickly dissuaded by the thought of the only thing that would be left for him to throw.

A quote for Monday

2009-09-21T10:30:00.001-05:00

You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint. You are the shining star I reached for in my ever hopeful quest for a life fulfilled. You are my child. Now with all things I am blessed. -- Unknown.

On pee and poop...

2009-09-11T09:25:00.003-05:00

...for those of you who have asked, yes, that penis is fixed. LOL!

Went back to the doctor for a check-in on the pooping project last night. After 3 weeks on a laxative he is finally "almost" cleaned out. He needs one more full week on the laxative, then we switch to every other day. Its going to be a touch and go process to see how his colon responds. Keep your fingers crossed!

September 10, 2009

2009-09-10T12:20:00.002-05:00

Happy Second Forever Family Day Adam James An!

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

If its not one thing....

2009-09-08T13:33:00.001-05:00

....its another! This morning Adam woke crying "The pee isn't coming out!" When the pee eventually started coming out, he was clearly in pain and yelled "Mommy, fix this penis!" I feel a little badly that I laughed! :) Off to the pediatrician to fix that penis.

Two pictures from this year's Day Out with Thomas

2009-09-02T08:55:00.004-05:00

Everybody poops

2009-08-24T11:56:00.006-05:00

That is, everybody except Adam. Adam's Giving and Receiving Ceremony was on a Monday; he didn't poop for the first time until that Saturday. I thought that perhaps I had checked a box marked "no pooping" on the list of special needs that I would accept in a child. Little did I know that was the norm for him.

He has continued to struggle with pooping. I read up on toddler constipation and did everything that was recommended, including dosing him with fiber. Nothing worked. His pediatrician didn't seem particularly concerned, suggesting dietary changes-- which would be great if he actually ate --and the occasional enema.

For several months, it was necessary to give him an enema about once a week when he became too uncomfortable. What fun that was! And, forgive me for having to share this, but they were MONSTER poops. The biggest I've ever seen!

Recently, he's been able to eventually move his bowels on his own, but it is a long and arduous process for him, days of trying and pushing. In an average walk around the block with the dog, Adam will stop and try to poop 3 or 4 times. It really was becoming an interference in our lives, on top of being just miserable for him.

A few weeks ago, Adam had Coxsackie virus and we went to the pediatrician and, by chance, saw a different doctor in the practice. Just because we were there anyway, I decided to mention the pooping thing to the doctor, who instantly replied "Yes, that is a problem and yes, we can fix it." I wanted to fall to the floor and kiss his feet.

We went back last week for the pooping consultation. When I picked Adam up from the orphanage, he was not eating solid foods,just formula and soup, at the age of 17 months. The doctor said that when a baby progresses normally through the stages of eating, from formula to soft baby foods and then to solid foods, the bowel progresses with it and "learns" how to handle each type of food. Adam skipped straight from liquid to solid and his bowel didn't make the transition correctly and needs to be "retrained". His colon is stretched and not contracting to push the poop out. Adam is getting it out through his own strength and that is why it takes so long and is so difficult for him. He said it will take likely take months, but that we will be successful.

So we are on Step 1 of the Pooping Project -- cleaning him completely out. He is on Miralax for two weeks after which we go back and learn about Step 2.

I'm feeling very relieved and optimistic. I think this process will help in several areas. The doctor said that Adam's poor eating is tied in to this and we should see a change as we progress. That could, in turn, impact his poor sleeping as he drinks easily 3 bottles overnight. I've been reluctant to deny him these bottles as he really doesn't eat much during the day.

The one down side is that the doctor says not to even consider toilet training him until the problem is resolved, but that's a small price to pay -- we've got the power of positive pooping on our side!

Lost and found...and what's next?

2009-08-21T14:36:00.008-05:00

I've been pondering on and mulling about and agonizing over Adam's birth family for several weeks now. Contact has been established, pictures exchanged. The searcher I hired found them very quickly, as they are exactly where they were when Adam was born, less than 10 miles from the orphanage, living in the house where Adam was born. Contact has been established, pictures have been exchanged. I'm posting pictures of the house, but not of his family out of respect for their privacy.

So much is going on in my heart and in my head. On the purely positive side, I am delighted and relieved to be able to have this information for Adam. And I am thrilled to have been able to let his birth mother know that he is happy and healthy and oh so loved. I couldn't imagine how she could go through the rest of her life never knowing what had happened to him, especially when it was within my ability to tell her .

Adam is the sixth of 7 children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest just a few months old. One brother suffers from some sort of mental illness, ad his father has serious heart disease. It might sound silly, but am so hurt for Adam that, since his relinquishment, his parents have had another baby, whom they have kept. Perhaps the pain of giving Adam up was something they could not bear to go through again. Perhaps the fact that Vietnam is no longer open to America for adoption colored their decision. But how do you explain to a child that his birth parents kept 6 other children, but not you? Somehow it seemed easier when he was the last child. His mother is only 42 -- she could conceivably (no pun intended) have one -- or a few-- more. It just adds another, difficult layer of complication to his story that he will have to understand and deal with. I think that's going to be so hard for him to understand. On the bright side, if we stay in contact, he can ask them directly himself, rather than just having me speculate about their reasons.

Much to my own surprise, I was absolutely devastated by the circumstances they are living in. I'm not one of these people who doesn't understand the real and desperate poverty a good deal of the world lives in. I have seen it first hand in this country, in South Africa, in Brazil, and during my trip to Vietnam. But this is the first time its about someone who is connected to me. I look at the beautiful faces of his siblings -- seeing Adam's face in theirs, land ache knowing none of them are in school. Its very overwhelming. I really want to help them but have to think through the best way to do so. Is an occasional gift of money the way to go? An amount that might be so small to me could really impact their lives. Or should I send gifts rather than money?

I couldn't bear it if years from know Adam turned to me and said "Mama, we had so much, why didn't we help them?"

Extremely cute appearance notwithstanding....

2009-08-12T09:20:00.003-05:00

...Adam is struggling with the move to a new classroom and a new teacher this year. Last year, his entire class moved with him which eased the transition greatly after the first dramatic day. This year, they split his class into three different groups and there are also some 4 year olds in the class.

At the end of the first day, while telling me he didn't want to go back, he wailed dramatically of his new teacher "But I don't LOVE her..." I tried to tell him he had to give her more than one day before he loved her. LOL!

We're almost at the second week, though, and he's still having a hard time. I ask him if he LIKES his teacher, and he says he does. He says she is nice to him, and that he has fun. But he wants to go back to Mrs. Cherry's (last year's teacher)"school". Mrs. Cherry is right next door and his beloved Alfonsa is across the hall, but these things don't seem to be helping him. Its all very much on his mind -- he asked repeatedly over the weekend "No school today?"

Things are a little bit better -- he went from crying himself to sleep and waking up and crying the whole morning right up until the time I dropped him, to not crying until we get to the door of the classroom. I've heard that 3 is a common age for separation anxiety to recur, so I'm hoping this explains some of it. And we've been crazy busy and stressed the last two weeks so that's got to factor in, too. I'm just not sure at what point I decide that it isn't just a normal adjustment period, but that there is a problem somewhere. Maybe the end of the third week? What do you think?

The Memorykeeper

2009-07-20T09:10:00.003-05:00

I know I've written before on the amazing depth of Adam's memory, but he continues to floor me. Of course, there are the everyday incidents. A few days ago, a woman I would have sworn I had never seen before in my life came up to us on the street greeting Adam by name and chatting pleasantly for a few minutes. After she walked away, in what is becoming an all too familiar routine, I asked Adam if she worked in his school "No, pajama store", he replied, without missing a beat. He was right. She was the saleswoman at the children's clothing store in our neighborhood where we had purchased pajamas about a month earlier.

And there's his litany of the various cars we've rented, sorted by color and our destination. (He's always right!)

But he blew me away a few weeks ago. My father died in July 2008. Adam met him once, over Christmas of 2008. During his last week of life, we were at the hospice every day and Adam was afraid of him. He was in the last stages of stomach cancer and had had a stroke and couldn't speak. Adam wouldn't go near him.

Since he died, I haven't mentioned him to Adam. Not intentionally, but there's really nothing to say. There's a long, dysfunctional story that goes hand in hand with this, but I'll spare you that.

Adam has a matchbox police car that is a replica of the Suffolk County Police Car, where my father was a policeman and he calls it "Grandpa's police car".

We were in the supermarket in my neighborhood and Adam saw a policeman. He went over to him and showed him the car, and then came out with "My Grandpa can't talk. He's sick and stays in bed."

As they say, you could have knocked me over with a feather! He amazes me!

Adam in a nutshell

2009-07-08T09:30:00.001-05:00

When asked this morning if he misses school (they are closed the month of July) and if he will be excited to go back he responded "Oh yes! The kids will be so excited to see me!"

And that, my friends, is my son.

Ooooklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains....

2009-06-19T09:59:00.011-05:00

Pictures from Vietnam Heritage Weekend in Tulsa

Here's Adam on one of the electric cars while visiting with the Hodges and Myers families:

His first time in a pool - he loved it!

getting a ride with help from Ian Conner and painting with Drew Conner

Fan painting and just looking handsome

Reconnecting with our travel buddes Rhett Myers and Eli Hodges and meeting big sister Lucy Hodges.

Asian Boy Baby doll

2009-06-17T14:04:00.002-05:00

Several people have asked here to find an Asian boy doll. The doll I bought Adam is a 9" Berenguer Baby Doll.

Sweet dreams are made of this....

2009-06-08T09:53:00.004-05:00

...I was having a dream this weekend where I was in a new, different apartment. It was the middle of the night and I was walking from room to room and noticing how easy it would be for someone to break in, windows that wouldn't lock, fire escapes that would provide easy access and the like. In the dream, I was very frightened. At this point, my ex-boyfriend showed up at the door, as he was wont to do, after my not having seen him for some time. He would often vanish from my life and return months, or even years later just when I had begun to get over him.

At that moment I woke because Adam called for me, crying, and I stumbled to his room. He had apparently been having a nightmare and was scared so I picked him up to comfort him. As I stood there with my crying child clinging to me, I was so grateful that THIS was my life, and not the one in the dream.

A quote for Thursday

2009-06-04T08:23:00.000-05:00

Being a humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead. — Kurt Vonnegut

A decision - at least, a partial one

2009-06-02T10:02:00.002-05:00

After much ruminating and agonizing and worrying, I took the leap this week and hired a searcher to find Adam's birth family. I don't know if I am ready for this, but I couldn't get past the nagging fear that if I waited until he was ready to search, the trail would have gone cold.

I decided that I could take it one step at a time -- get the information in hand and then decide what the next step should be. I'm nervous, but think I'm doing the right thing for Adam.

A quote for Friday

2009-05-22T11:01:00.001-05:00

Its not the thought that counts, its acting on the thought that counts.

What a sweet boy!

2009-05-20T13:47:00.001-05:00

Adam said to me last night "Oh, Mommy! You look so handsome!" LOL!

I don't get it -- help me out here!

2009-05-18T14:39:00.003-05:00

When Adam and I visited Meredith and met David, Alison and Maggie earlier this year, Adam was enamored of Maggie's baby doll. He changed its diaper, put it down for a nap....very cute. So, I looked around and found a male asian baby and stroller for him. He loves his baby (which he has named "Adam" - lol!) and will often bring him along when we walk the dog.

For reasons that escape me, strange men on the street seem to be compelled to make disparaging comments and criticize me for allowing my son to have a doll. Now, I am already bewildered by the fact that complete strangers will make ANY comments (other then complimentary ones) about Adam, but I am completely floored that 5 men have seen fit to stop us and criticize. One man sneered "Is he a girl or a boy?" Another said to me "You're fired." Still another tried to tell Adam the doll was for girls only. My standard response has been "He's learning to be a good daddy."

So what the heck is it? Why are men so threatened by this?

Right on the money

2009-05-14T08:25:00.002-05:00

The MSN home page today had an article entitled "What their birthdate says about your child". I filled in Adam's birthdate information just to see what they could say.

Rather than entitle the report "Young Aries", they could have just as easily called it "All about Adam" because this is Adam to a T!

Young Aries
Aries children have energy in abundance, are usually strong, active, and enthusiastic. You better be physically in great shape to keep up with the little Ram. They seem to never get tired and after a day full of physical activity, the Aries child keeps going while you might gasp for air.

Being curious and adventurous, little Arians want to know everything, explore, and investigate. Without fear they venture into new territory all the time, be it a high tree, a playground, or a year abroad. They love challenges, so offering them opportunities to compete either in sports or at play or in school keeps them from being bored too quickly.

Aries children need a lot of watching, especially when they are very young, as they can also be quite stubborn and won't accept a "No" easily. Resisting control, they need to know who is in charge, as they are very determined to do everything their very own way. Although young Arians can be quite sweet and affectionate one minute, they can be challenging and angry the next. They need a lot of reassurance, attention, and need to know they are loved. Being ruled by Mars, it is no wonder that they can display a hot temper but they can forget it as quickly as it came.

As natural born leaders, Aries children will take the lead in their group, be it at school, or college, or in their circle of friends. However, it can be difficult for them to lose and as difficult to learn how to share and that they cannot win every game.

Young Arians are a delight to be around, and they will certainly never bore you! Your favorite moments will be when you can jump into their fantasyland with them and get swept away by their courageous lead into the unknown. They have an untamed spirit that is always ready for adventure!

A quote for Friday

2009-05-08T14:02:00.001-05:00

Resentment is letting someone you despise live rent free in your head

The Bad Seed

2009-05-05T10:40:00.002-05:00

When I arrived at school to pick Adam up on Thursday, Mrs. Cherry (who is very kind, a great teacher, and very good to Adam, but who has absolutely NO sense of humor) greeted me with a very somber "Your little Adam is sitting in time out." Having been on the receiving end of some of Adam's least charming behavior, I steeled myself for the worst. She related that in the morning, assistant teacher Mrs. Olga asked Adam to stop doing something (I've forgotten what) AND....here she paused for dramatic effect before the big reveal...."he showed her his tongue!" Mind you, this was said in much the same tone and with much the same dramatic expression as if she'd said "..and then he pulled out a knife and cut her!" How I didn't burst out laughing is beyond me. She went on to say that in the afternoon the other assistant Mrs. Magdalene told him not to throw something and he "showed her his tongue" as well.

I somehow maintained my composure and asked if this happened often. Mrs. Cherry told me it was Adam's first timeout ever. (I refrained from saying that in that case, they ought to give him a medal!) I concurred that telling him not to do it again and putting him in timeout was the thing to do and assured her I would reinforce that at home and we made good our escape.

Last night Adam was talking to a friend of mine on the phone who asked him how school was and I heard him respond "I kept my tongue in my mouth in school all day!" LOL! Maybe there's hope for him yet.

2009-04-29T10:25:00.009-05:00

Over nine million parents in the U.S. are raising children without theistic religion. The PARENTING BEYOND BELIEF SEMINAR, a unique half-day workshop with author and educator Dale McGowan, offers encouragement and practical solutions for secular parenting in a religious world.
Based on the freethinking philosophy of the book Newsweek called "a compelling read," the PARENTING BEYOND BELIEF SEMINAR is empowering secular parents across the country to raise ethical, caring, confident kids without religion. Participants will learn effective ways to:
Encourage religious literacy without indoctrination; Help kids interact productively with a religious world; Help kids develop active moral reasoning; Weigh church-state issues in the public sphere; Address sensitive issues with religious relatives using the principles of nonviolent communication; Help children develop a healthy understanding of death and a joyful love of life; Build a family atmosphere of fearless questioning and boundless wonder; ...and much more.

I was fortunate enough to attend this presentation a few weeks ago at the beautiful Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture. I was very excited as the topic is on that is important to me, but also thought perhaps it would be an opportunity for me to meet some like minded parents and make some connections. While the speaker was excellent and the presentation empowering, it wasn't the time or place for the connections I was hoping for. The audience was mostly members of the Brooklyn Society and as intelligent and kind as they were, without a car, Brooklyn is too far away to make connections work.

I did come away with a renewed sense of the need for a community. Years ago, when I lived on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, I belonged to the New York Society for Ethical Culture and enjoyed that very much. I attended the Sunday morning meetings with some regularity -- which was easy as I lived less than 10 blocks away. I moved to Queens, and later to Jersey City, the idea of getting up and into Manhattan by 10:30 on a Sunday was just too much and I fell out of the habit.

I'm thinking its a habit I need to get back into. We are certainly up early enough to get there. They have a Sunday School that Adam will be eligible for at age 4, so that gives me a little time to get my act togther. I got really excited when I read the description of the Sunday School Program:

Sunday School: An Exploration of Ethics for Children
As a parent, you may find yourself uncomfortable with a traditional religious upbringing, yet recognize a need for your children to develop a moral/ethical "compass." In our Sunday class, we focus on the values that humanity has always held high. Each week, children explore these values and celebrate the joys of life through discourse, song, story and deed.
The Goals of the Sunday School Program are:

To explore values such as integrity, honesty, responsibility, courage and commitment.
To affirm the value and uniqueness of each individual.
To promote knowledge and celebration of the diversity among people.
To inspire social responsibility towards individuals, groups and our environment.To develop a child's identity as part of a community.
To learn about those ethical teachings which are common to the world's religion.

Our prime concern is development of the moral reasoning process, something our children can use in myriad ways every day. Through stories, service projects, and art activities, we encourage the exploration of ideas and issues in a safe, inclusive environment. We also encourage FUN!

I think it will be good for both of us!

You would be surprised....

2009-04-23T08:17:00.002-05:00

...at the number of people who find it necessary to say to a three year old that he needs to study hard and get a good job so he can take care of mommy when he gets older. You wouldn't believe the looks on their faces when I say "That's NOT his job!"

Adam is three

2009-04-22T08:25:00.002-05:00

After my whining and complaining post of yesterday, I thought I should take the time to celebrate the magical , amazing 3 year old that Adam is. (90% of the time!)

It astonishes me how fast it is all going -- how can he possibly be three already? He's now been home longer than he was in the orphanage, which seems incredibly significant somehow.

He is very bright and incredibly verbal with a memory that astounds me. He can tell you the color of every car we've rented and where we went in each car. And he often does. He likes to go over and over his memories, often starting out sentences with "Mommy, remember....."

He is the most social child I've ever know, interested in everybody. He talks ALL THE TIME. His current career aspiration is to be a taxi driver, drive people to the airport, and help them with their suitcases. Its good to have a plan! He lives for his cars, trains, trucks, buses -- anything with wheels! Yet he also has a baby doll (asian boy) that he cares for tenderly, feeding him, changing his diaper, talking him for walks in the stroller. (Which reminds me -- we were out walking the other day and Adam was pushing the doll in the stroller and some complete stranger rather derisively asked "Is he a girl or a boy?" Rather than simply punching him in his ignorant head, I snapped back "He's learning to be a good father." and we went on our way. Seriously. What is wrong with people?)

Loves The Wiggles, Little Bear, Madagascar and Thomas. Adores the movie Mamma Mia (?) and is now getting into The Music Man. He is a big fan of the musical!

We're still struggling with sleep - on an average night he wakes 3 times, andd with eating. Its like the child lives on air. He does now eat at school, two meals and two snacks, so that's an improvement. He weighs a whopping 25 pounds.

He has a terrific sense of humor and is great company. His empathy is developing nicely -- when I was coughing the other night he said "Poor mama! I buy you medicine tomorrow!"

And then there's the control thing-- but sometimes I actually win now. he strongest will I've ever known. While he is still completely capable of the 5 hour temper tantrum, they are much less frequent and further between. He's old enough now to understand "No, but we can do it later..." or "We don't have any, but we can buy some tomorrow"...

I am honored, humbled, and delighted every day (well, almost every day - LOL!) to be his mother.

Keeping up with the quotes.

2009-04-21T14:28:00.001-05:00

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"

-Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)

I have been remiss.....

2009-04-01T08:15:00.006-05:00

....I got sucked into the fast paced, easy to post world of Facebook and have neglected this blog. As much as I am enjoying the instant gratification of Facebook, I'm finding I miss the different pace and level of thinking the blog requires. So, I'm going to try to get myself back into the discipline of posting more regularly.

If you are one of my Facebook pals, you'll know that Adam turned 3 during the trip to Las Vegas from hell. It is all going so fast!

I had sooo been looking forward to this trip. It was to be my first vacation that wasn't a trip to visit family with all the baggage that that entails.

Adam had a runny nose and cough for a few days, but nothing too bad. I, of course, got it, along with a fever of 103.7. But I was determined I was getting on that plane. Too much was at stake! Never mind the airfare and hotel, but there were the tickets for the 3 Manilow shows, and 3 other people coming along on the trip. Called the doctor for antibiotics and figured I'd kick it. HA!

The first morning I made it to breakfast, then about 5 minutes out into the gardens of the Flamingo before immediately having to go back to the room and lay moaning in bed. By this time, Adam had a fever as well and let me tell he, he is not the most pleasant sick person I've ever met. (For me, this is the hardest part of being a single parent -- being sick when he is sick.)

I did, of course, drag my ill self down the strip every night to the Hilton for Barry. I don't know how to explain this, but I think most mothers will understand the sentiment -- for the first time in a long time, I felt like myself. Just me. The show took me out of myself and centered me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. And I badly needed that.

So, basically I had 90 perfect minutes a day and the rest sucked big time. Adam had been very excited about Vegas - he wanted to see dolphins, jump in the water and ride in a boat. Once we actually got there, however, all he was interested in was the monorail ("the lil' train".) On Friday, Adam's 3rd birthday, the plan was to have breakfast and then head to The Secret Garden of Siegfried and Roy. Adam's plan, however, was to read the monorail all day. Thus, the start of the 5 hour temper tantrum from hell.

He cried and complained all through breakfast because we weren't on the monorail. After we finished, we took him for a quick ride, thinking that would satisfy him, but no! The umbrella stroller we took on the trip was too short for me and increased the pain I was having in my back from the coughing and fever, so my much shorter friend volunteered to push the stroller, apparently violating some unspoken rule that only Mama is to push the stroller. The screaming continued. Once we got to the Secret Garden, he decided he wanted to go back to the room and watch Madagascar. It was a nightmare. I very much like the Secret Garden and was determined to see it. I left little Mr. Pissy Pants with my mother and my friend and wandered off by myself for a while and enjoyed the animals. Of course, I coughed so hard that I humiliated myself by vomiting right in the middle of the Secret Garden. Bad day at Black Rock.

I can easily say that Adam's 3rd birthday was the worst behaved he has ever been and he almost drove me over the edge. I have a LOT of patience, but was just so sick myself and so exhausted. I badly needed to sleep and Adam simply refused to consider such a possibility. It was so nice to have other people with me -- as we hit the five hour mark in the nonstop misery I lost it -- completely -- and dragged him down the hall to my friend and explained that I was going to hurt him if she didn't take him. And she took him and let me sleep for a few hours.

After five days on antibiotics I was no better so on the advice of my primary care physician went to the pulmonologist who said I was in the throes of a "massive" asthma attack, which had been triggered by bronchial pneumonia. Sigh. Being newly diagnosed with asthma, I was unaware that I need to treat for asthma with every cold or cough I get. So, I have an inhaler and am on steroids and am just a little bit better, but still dragging and struggling a bit.

Adam is completely recovered and happy to be home and back in his routine. With the exception of Tulsa in June, I don't think we're going to be traveling for a while.

A good quote

2009-03-23T13:23:00.001-05:00

“Bringing up a family should be an adventure, not an anxious discipline in which everybody is constantly graded for performance.” -- Milton R. Saperstein

A momentous first....

2009-03-12T10:01:00.001-05:00

....Adam slept through the night last night -- for the second day in a row! That's never happened before! Let's hope it portends Mama getting some uninterrupted sleep more than once or twice a week.....

So I know this is weird....

2009-03-09T10:48:00.004-05:00

....but I am compelled to share it anyway. I was tickling Adam the other day when my fingers suddenly arrived at his belly button, the same, cute little belly button I've seen a million times before. This time, for some reason, I was struck by two powerful emotional blasts -- the first was a real grief and sense of loss that Adam hadn't grown in my body, that we had not been connected at his beautiful little belly button. I was still reeling with that pain when the second wave hit me -- this very real evidence of his connection to his birth mother! And how she (and her husband) had made the difficult decision to give him up having had this connection....Had I not already been emotionally doubled over, this would have done it!

And yet...this is nothing I didn't know intellectually. I don't know why it hit me so viscerally now.....

See, I told you this was weird.

A quote for all the moms

2009-02-11T09:14:00.001-05:00

Every time you say yes when you mean no, you are abandoning yourself and end up feeling used or resentful or frantic. W hen you say no when you mean no its so sane and healthy it creates a little glade around you in which you can get the nourishment you need.

--Anne Lamott

An open letter to the producers of Sesame Street Live: Elmo Makes Music

2009-02-09T11:43:00.003-05:00

Dear Muppet Masters:

My son and I attended your mostly fine production this weekend. I feel compelled to point out to you what seems to be an egregious error in judgment in the telling of the tale "Elmo Makes Music". Please be advised that if early on in the story you are going to mention that a truck is going to deliver musical instruments to Sesame Street, please ensure that said truck does indeed appear on the stage at some point in the show. Once said truck's appearance was mentioned, I (and the entire section around us) was subjected to many, many MANY entreaties of "Mommy, truck? Truck! Truck, Mommy! Truck coming, Mommy?"

Sadly, said truck never came, marring an otherwise beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Thank you for your consideration of the above matter.

Two quotes for the price of one...

2009-02-06T14:33:00.001-05:00

Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. Robert A. Heinlein

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so, and will follow it by suppressing opposition, subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young, and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics.
--Robert A. Heinlein

Photos from Christmas in Florida

2009-02-05T10:53:00.007-05:00

Adam and his big boy cousins, Richie (below) and Daniel

Adam with cousins Nicky and Ashley

Monday quote

2009-02-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

Our children are no ours because they share our genes...they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day..or long sleepless night, is how love really works.

Sixteen months after I brought Adam home...

2009-01-30T14:29:00.000-05:00

...my stomach still gives a little thrill everytime I say "My son....."

On contemplating a birth parent search

2009-01-21T11:01:00.002-05:00

Right from the start of my adoption process, I assumed that my child would one day want to search for his birthparents. From what little I knew about it at that time, I was of the opinion that I would be available to help in any way, but that it would be up to Adam to want to do the search.

Now I'm reading that the prevailing wisdom is to start the search as early as possible because the longer you wait, the harder it is. People die, they move, etc.

As Adam was relinquished, I do have some information on his birthparents. He was the 5th child of a married couple struggling to feed the four children they already had. His father was seriously ill at that time, and one of the children was handicapped. I have both parents' names on the paperwork.

So, I'm struggling with this a bit. To search now or search later? To establish contact if I do search now? To not establish contact could leave me in the same position when Adam is older. If so, how much contact?
Search now and hold on to the information until Adam is older? Or wait and search when he is ready? I can think of compelling arguments on all sides.

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?

The only kind of motherhood I know

2009-01-16T21:39:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine who is an identical twin has the most perfect answer to the often asked question "What is it like to be a twin?" "I don't know," she responds. "What is it like not to be?" I find I can so completely relate to that when it comes to being a single mother. What is it like? Is it harder to be one? I don't know. This is the only kind of motherhood I know.

I wouldn't say I miss having a husband or partner in parenting. Finding a husband or partner is something I am open to, but don't feel like I must have in order for me to be happy or for me to be a good mother. I think, if the person and the relationship were right, it would enhance my life, what Adam and I have. But I am, for the most part, content and at peace.

That said, this week I found myself profoundly missing something I don't have. A friend has been telling me of a heartbreaking crisis a friend of hers is going through and talks about how their group of friends has rallied around the friend in crisis. This group of friends have been close for years, they all have children around the same age, have been married about the same length of time. Their children have grown up together and they've shared the same stages of their lives and parenthood. And I suddenly missed that so much.

Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful, supportive friends. But our situations and circumstances are different. Those with children, for the most part, have children much older than Adam. My closest friends are childless. I don't live in a suburb where everyone in the area is of a similar age and family makeup. It isn't something I ever really thought about before, so I'm surprised at just how much I find myself missing this something I've never had.

The return of the weekly quote

2009-01-14T15:36:00.001-05:00

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

-- Lewis B. Smedes --

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”

2009-01-14T15:12:00.003-05:00

In early May of 2008, about 2 and a half weeks after he turned two, Adam was hospitalized with febrile seizures, as those of you who read my hysterical posts are sure to remember.

His roommate, who was, by incredible coincidence, in his daycare class, got out of the hospital a day earlier than Adam did. When we were packing up to go home, we found part of a toy car that belonged to Marcello under the crib, just the wheels and the bottom panel, and took it home with us.

Yesterday, Adam unearthed it from his box of a gazillion cars and was so excited to see it. He came running over to me saying "Mommy, 'member Marcello?" Since he sees Marcello every day, this was not unusual, but he then went on to say " 'member the hospital? Mommy sleep in the chair." And I was flabbergasted. I did, indeed, sleep in the chair next to his bed every day. And he remembers.

Pictures from New Year's Eve Visit

2009-01-07T11:06:00.007-05:00

Thanks to Meredith for these GORGEOUS pictures of our New Year's Eve visit with them and the very lovely Maggie and her parents.

Another one for the "What is wrong with people?" collection

2009-01-06T14:37:00.005-05:00

So yesterday was my first day back at the office and Adam's first day back at school since Dec 16. In the afternoon, there was a retirement party for my dearest friend which Adam attended. Towards the end of the party, he hit the wall. It had been a long, exciting day and he had been so good and he was just DONE and a tantrum ensued. It was one of those tantrums where he slapped me in the face. I immediately put him down on the floor and let him lay there screaming.

So he laid there on the floor and screamed and occasionally I reached down for him, he slapped at my hands , I told him again that he couldn't sit on my lap if he was going to hit, and would resume what I was doing. I wasn't particularly stressed by this. It had been a long day, he was overtired and overstimulated and he's two!

You would have thought that the people at the party had never seen a tantruming child before! 4 or 5 of them stood in a semi-circle around Adam, staring down at him as if he were some sort of specimen and discussing what was wrong and what should be done. "You need to pick him up!" one said. Nope, sorry, he doesn't get to sit on my slap if he's going to slap me in the face. "It's a classic cry for attention -- he needs your attention." Nope, he'd been getting it constantly the entire party. "Its a battle of the wills! He's just willful!" AAAIIIEEEE!!!! No, no, no! He's TWO! He's tired! He's overstimulated! The worst was the one who kept trying to get him to drink some water because "We have a rule in our house -- if water comes out, like crying or sweating, water has to go in!" Uh, gee, thanks but, this is not YOUR house. Back off people!

After about 15 minutes, Adam calmed down on his own, as I knew he would, and we cuddled a bit and he was happy for the rest of the night.

New Years Eve

2009-01-01T15:09:00.002-05:00

After a fun day visiting with Meredith and Joe (Lawyerish) and their guests, Allison, David and the beautiful Maggie, we spent New Year's Eve relaxing and watching the Wiggles. Its quite a sea change from so many disappointing New Year's Eves in the past - to be completely happy with so little -- which is really so much.

Happy New Year.

Monday quote

2008-12-29T11:01:00.000-05:00

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid.Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that this was my life.This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness.Happiness IS the way.- Fr. Alfred D Souza

A Day Out With Thomas

2008-12-13T21:38:00.006-05:00

Except for the fact that it was 28 degrees out, this may have been Adam's most exciting day yet. You should have seen his face when he saw Thomas coming down the tracks!

Adoption guilt....not so much

2008-12-09T13:31:00.012-05:00

I follow quite a number of adoption blogs regularly and am always following links to other blogs, specific posts, and articles or sites of interest and I've noticed a lot of writing on the subject of guilt on the part of adoptive parents. Guilt about their children losing their birth culture, guilt over the the pain of the birthparents, guilt that their children have lost their birthparents, guilt that their children will have to deal with all the issues surrounded international adoptees, inability to fully enjoy their child's birthday because they feel guilty that the birthmother must be suffering on this date....a whole universe of guilt that I just....don't understand.

Let me first say that I am NOT belittling these feelings or the sincerity and caring of those expressing them. Nor do I intend to minimize these very important issues and their impacts on our children or the losses they have to deal with. But I just cannot relate to them or even understand the guilt.

There are some losses that seem, to me, be balanced by gains. For example, the loss of their birth culture. There is a corresponding gain of an entirely new culture, with new possibilities and opportunities that never would have presented themselves otherwise. I can't see feeling guilty about this. I think this loss can be somewhat mitigated by exposing the children to their birth cultures and keeping it alive for them.

The larger and more primal loss is, of course, that of the birth family. I CERTAINLY feel empathy and even some grief for my son's loss and all that he will have to process.

I have tremendous sympathy and compassion for Adam's birth family and think of them often. He has two living birthparents and older siblings. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in a position where you are faced with the decision to give up your child. Nor can I imagine spending the rest of my life missing him. But, guilt? Not an ounce or a drop.

In a perfect world, people would never have to make such decisions based on monetary or cultural pressure. But we live in an imperfect world. I truly believe that when his parents made the heartrending, loving decision to place him for adoption, that THIS was the outcome they hoped for. That if they couldn't raise him, that he would find his way to someone who could, who would love him more than life. I'm so glad that someone was me.

Things I've done

2008-12-08T11:35:00.007-05:00

I saw this on Midlife Mama's blog and thought it was fun! Things I've done are in yellow
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped (there's not enough money!)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp (no, but I've been to the Robben Island prison in South Africa)
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar (there's not enough money! LOL!)
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day.

Monday quote

2008-12-08T11:34:00.000-05:00

"When we hate our enemies, we give them power over us - power over our sleep, our appetites, and our happiness. They would dance with joy if they knew how much they were hurting us. Our hate is not hurting them at all, but it is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil."

Monday quote

2008-12-01T10:47:00.002-05:00

Oh, how much grief this would have saved me over the years had I heard it earlier and been receptive to its message:

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

McDonalds is my kind of place....

2008-11-25T09:15:00.004-05:00

On Veterans' Day, Adam and I journeyed to Connecticut to meet some friends at the Norwalk Aquarium. Through the wonders of the blogging and online adoption world, I reconnected with an old friend from high school who I hadn't seen in 30 years. She adopted three beautiful girls from China as a single mom. We had a reunion lunch early in the summer with a 3rd married high school friend who also adopted internationally (Chile and Mexico).

This trip was just the single moms . The time at the Aquarium was....well....filled with Adam's oh so very terrible two-ness. Lots of flinging himself dramatically on the floor and ripping his shoes off and throwing them. After waving the white flag of surrender on the Aquarium, we headed to McDonalds for lunch. It was one of those suburban McDonalds with the huge playgrounds. which was a first for us.

After we ate, Marie's lovely daughters, Olivia and Sophia (12 and 6) took Adam outside to the playground. And he went! And played with them BY HIMSELF for about an hour and a half. Do you realize how big this is? I didn't have to get up and go with him -- for the very first time! Which meant I got to sit and have an adult conversation uninterrupted for the first time in a long time. (Of course, I eventually had to crawl around in that claustrophobic maze of tunnels and ride down the slide with Adam....)

I'm lucky to have a lot of friends who have been very supportive of me and my adoption of Adam. Some adoptive parents as well, married friends with children, single friends without -- and I appreciate all of them more than I can say. But I didn't know how badly I needed to talk to another SINGLE adoptive mother. It was such a relief and such a help.

And if we have any doubt what I am most grateful for this thanksgiving, here he is:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just another manic Monday....

2008-11-24T11:49:00.002-05:00

...thank you to everyone who has been so supportive in my "anonymous" travails. Its nice to know I'm not alone!

Adam is busy practicing his song for the daycare holiday play -- "Jingle Bells". When he gets to the "laughing all the way" part he throws back his head, lifts his hands to frame his face and goes "Ah ha ha!" He is just too cute to bear. And he knows it!

He really loves clothes and shoes. I bought him a new hat during our cold snap last week and the first thing he said when I put it on him was 'Mirror! Mirror!' Shoes are very important to him -- he has a clear idea every morning what shoes he wants to wear. And woe to me if I can't find them!

We're going to see the Radio City Christmas show on Black Friday and trekking out to Pennsylvania the first weekend in December to ride the"real" Thomas the Tank Engine. I'm sure there will be many cute pictures to come!

Monday quote

2008-11-24T11:43:00.001-05:00

"If you don't like a situation change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."--Maya Angelou

Types of Intelligence

2008-11-21T14:23:00.001-05:00

A fun quiz.... and I've got to admit its pretty accurate...

Your result for Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test...

Intrapersonal

16% Logical, 10% Spatial, 45% Linguistic, 49% Intrapersonal, 37% Interpersonal, 14% Musical, 4% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 45% Naturalistic!

"This area has to do with introspective and self-reflective capacities. Those who are strongest in this intelligence are typically introverts and prefer towork alone. They are usually highly self-aware and capable of understanding their own emotions, goals and motivations. They often have an affinity for thought-based pursuits such as philosophy. They learn best when allowed to concentrate on the subject by themselves. There is often a high level of perfectionism associated with this intelligence.

Careers which suit those with this intelligence include philosophers, psychologists, theologians, writers and scientists." (Wikipedia)

Take Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test at

A very happy boy....

2008-11-21T10:17:00.001-05:00

....sitting in his carseat outside our building waiting for Enterprise Rent a Car to pick us up. Could he be any happier? A car to go with his carseat! LOL!

A question for Anonymous

2008-11-20T11:01:00.001-05:00

If you are so convinced you are asking me "the hard questions" why are you hiding behind "anonymous"? Why not identify yourself? Any chance your initials are JV?

Two Open Letters

2008-11-19T10:14:00.002-05:00

1. Dear Daycare teachers, doctors, nurses, etc:

Please do not call me "mommy". I have a name. I am a person, not a role. You are regular fixtures in our lives and you KNOW my name. Please use it. Thank you very much.

2. Dear Anonymous: Please, I am BEGGING you - stop reading my blog. Please stop telling me that the blog is a catalog for child abusers, that I am invading Adam's privacy, asking me to explain to you why he is still taking a bottle (exactly who is it that you think you are?) -- please, please GO AWAY! Thank you very much.

Monday quote

2008-11-17T12:58:00.003-05:00

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.– Virginia Satir

A particularly good quote for these times

2008-11-10T12:58:00.001-05:00

Few will have the greatness to bend history; but each of us can work to change a small portion of the events, and in the total of all these acts will be written the history of this generation ... It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is thus shaped.

Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

- Robert F. Kennedy, Day of Affirmation Address, University of Capetown, South Africa, June 6, 1966

Monday quote

2008-11-03T10:53:00.001-05:00

If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system. --William James

Elmo!

2008-11-03T10:35:00.003-05:00

Babies for Barack

2008-10-30T09:23:00.002-05:00

Monday quote

2008-10-27T08:19:00.001-05:00

Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. --Benjamin Franklin,

So the child woke up at 12:20 last night....

2008-10-27T08:09:00.001-05:00

....sobbing hysterically and crying that he wanted to --- clean!

Here's one for the "What is wrong with people?" file...

2008-10-24T13:49:00.001-05:00

A friend recently related a conversation she had with another co-worker about the co-worker's recent trip to Vietnam.

It never fails to boggle my mind when when someone travels to a developing country and is shocked by the level of poverty -- not understanding that they could find that poverty right here in their own backyards if they just opened their eyes and their hearts and their minds. My bogglement morphed into annoyance when it was further related to me that this woman was so upset by the poverty, she sat at the window in her hotel room in Hanoi and wept, not leaving the room for two days, wailing to my friend that people were dying in the street. I do not,by any stretch of the imagination, mean to minimize the very real, heart wrenching poverty that exists in Vietnam. Still, I find it hard to believe, knowing where she stayed, that she saw people dying in the streets.

But just how useless was staying in the room and weeping for two days? Get out in those streets! Meet those people! Buy things from them!

My annoyance turned to real anger, however, when she said "This is why Kathy needs to take Adam back to Vietnam when he's older -- to show him how his life could have been and to make sure he's grateful!" There are just too many things wrong with that sentiment to even begin to enumerate. What is wrong with people anyway?

A foreshadowing....

2008-10-23T11:45:00.002-05:00

...As I've mentioned before, Adam is very social. We talk to many people on the street and in stores, and often people I've never seen will say hello to him, most likely knowing him from daycare.

While we were walking the dog the other morning, a woman came out of her house and greeted me with familiarity. I had no clue who she was. She turned to Adam and exclaimed "Adam! My, you're getting so big!" After a few minutes of polite small talk, we continued on our way. Once we were out of earshot, I bent over and asked Adam "Does that lady work in your school?" Without missing a beat he replied "No, food store." And he was right. She was a cashier from our local supermarket.

I suspect this is how our life will go in a few years -- Adam will lead his old decrepit mother gently down the street and as we encounter people, coach me with "Now, Mother, this is Sally from the drugstore. You remember Sally, don't you?" LOL!

Monday quote

2008-10-20T09:41:00.002-05:00

Resentment is letting someone you despise live rent free in your head

My unequivocal boy

2008-10-15T11:53:00.003-05:00

While I was on the phone with mother the other night, Adam cried and screamed and generally behaved like a huge pain in the butt. There was nothing wrong with him, nothing to indicate what his problem was. After I got off the phone he was a perfect angel for the rest of the night. I sat down with him and said "You don't like it when Mama is on the phone?" He said no. I said "Well, sometimes I have to talk to Grandma on the phone." His reply? "NO! Mama talk to Adam!" Hoo boy! It doesn't get much clearer than that! LOL!

Quote of the week...

2008-10-14T13:27:00.001-05:00

...a day late because of the Columbus Day Holiday. This one is especially meaningful to me at this particular time:

Life is too short, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

“There is a comfort in the strength of love; "t will make a thing endurable which else would overset the brain or break the heart " -- Wordsworth

2008-10-08T13:22:00.003-05:00

Adam and I have a sweet little ritual for when he is grouchy, or sad, overtired, or just in need of some snuggling. He sits on my lap facing me with his arms around my neck as I rock and sing a quiet little song I made up. It goes "Rocka Rocka baby, Rocka Roca Adam, Rocka Rocka baby, I love you." As we go on, with each repetition, I change the name of the person who loves him and one by one list all the people in his life.

When I notice he is about to lose it, I will ask "Do you need a rocka?"

The other day, for the first time, I caught him playing with his cars, quietly singing the "rocka" song to himself. A sweet moment!

Words do two major things: They provide food for the mind and create light for understanding and awareness.

2008-10-06T10:34:00.002-05:00

For some time now, I've been in the habit of collecting quotations that come across on line. Quotations that move me, that inspire me, that speak to me. I had some vague ideas about doing a creative project involving them but haven't come up with the right idea. So I've decided to post them here -- one quote every Monday. I'll try to choose those that are applicable to parenting, how I want to raise my son, values and strengths I'd like him to have, or that I think can help him throughout his life. Here's the first one:

“ The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” ~ Richard Bach

Sometimes he is too cute to bear!

2008-10-02T09:28:00.003-05:00

This morning as we were getting ready to leave the house, I asked "Ok, who's ready to go? Adam, are you ready? " "Yes!" "Nea, are you ready?" (I replied for Nea. "Mama, are you ready?" I asked myself. "Yes." Adam clapped his hands in delight and said "Allbody's ready!" He's killing me!