Sixteen months after I brought Adam home...

...my stomach still gives a little thrill everytime I say "My son....."

On contemplating a birth parent search

Right from the start of my adoption process, I assumed that my child would one day want to search for his birthparents. From what little I knew about it at that time, I was of the opinion that I would be available to help in any way, but that it would be up to Adam to want to do the search.

Now I'm reading that the prevailing wisdom is to start the search as early as possible because the longer you wait, the harder it is. People die, they move, etc.

As Adam was relinquished, I do have some information on his birthparents. He was the 5th child of a married couple struggling to feed the four children they already had. His father was seriously ill at that time, and one of the children was handicapped. I have both parents' names on the paperwork.

So, I'm struggling with this a bit. To search now or search later? To establish contact if I do search now? To not establish contact could leave me in the same position when Adam is older. If so, how much contact?
Search now and hold on to the information until Adam is older? Or wait and search when he is ready? I can think of compelling arguments on all sides.

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?

The only kind of motherhood I know

A friend of mine who is an identical twin has the most perfect answer to the often asked question "What is it like to be a twin?" "I don't know," she responds. "What is it like not to be?" I find I can so completely relate to that when it comes to being a single mother. What is it like? Is it harder to be one? I don't know. This is the only kind of motherhood I know.

I wouldn't say I miss having a husband or partner in parenting. Finding a husband or partner is something I am open to, but don't feel like I must have in order for me to be happy or for me to be a good mother. I think, if the person and the relationship were right, it would enhance my life, what Adam and I have. But I am, for the most part, content and at peace.


That said, this week I found myself profoundly missing something I don't have. A friend has been telling me of a heartbreaking crisis a friend of hers is going through and talks about how their group of friends has rallied around the friend in crisis. This group of friends have been close for years, they all have children around the same age, have been married about the same length of time. Their children have grown up together and they've shared the same stages of their lives and parenthood. And I suddenly missed that so much.


Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful, supportive friends. But our situations and circumstances are different. Those with children, for the most part, have children much older than Adam. My closest friends are childless. I don't live in a suburb where everyone in the area is of a similar age and family makeup. It isn't something I ever really thought about before, so I'm surprised at just how much I find myself missing this something I've never had.

The return of the weekly quote

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

-- Lewis B. Smedes --

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”

In early May of 2008, about 2 and a half weeks after he turned two, Adam was hospitalized with febrile seizures, as those of you who read my hysterical posts are sure to remember.

His roommate, who was, by incredible coincidence, in his daycare class, got out of the hospital a day earlier than Adam did. When we were packing up to go home, we found part of a toy car that belonged to Marcello under the crib, just the wheels and the bottom panel, and took it home with us.

Yesterday, Adam unearthed it from his box of a gazillion cars and was so excited to see it. He came running over to me saying "Mommy, 'member Marcello?" Since he sees Marcello every day, this was not unusual, but he then went on to say " 'member the hospital? Mommy sleep in the chair." And I was flabbergasted. I did, indeed, sleep in the chair next to his bed every day. And he remembers.

Pictures from New Year's Eve Visit

Thanks to Meredith for these GORGEOUS pictures of our New Year's Eve visit with them and the very lovely Maggie and her parents.

Another one for the "What is wrong with people?" collection

So yesterday was my first day back at the office and Adam's first day back at school since Dec 16. In the afternoon, there was a retirement party for my dearest friend which Adam attended. Towards the end of the party, he hit the wall. It had been a long, exciting day and he had been so good and he was just DONE and a tantrum ensued. It was one of those tantrums where he slapped me in the face. I immediately put him down on the floor and let him lay there screaming.

So he laid there on the floor and screamed and occasionally I reached down for him, he slapped at my hands , I told him again that he couldn't sit on my lap if he was going to hit, and would resume what I was doing. I wasn't particularly stressed by this. It had been a long day, he was overtired and overstimulated and he's two!

You would have thought that the people at the party had never seen a tantruming child before! 4 or 5 of them stood in a semi-circle around Adam, staring down at him as if he were some sort of specimen and discussing what was wrong and what should be done. "You need to pick him up!" one said. Nope, sorry, he doesn't get to sit on my slap if he's going to slap me in the face. "It's a classic cry for attention -- he needs your attention." Nope, he'd been getting it constantly the entire party. "Its a battle of the wills! He's just willful!" AAAIIIEEEE!!!! No, no, no! He's TWO! He's tired! He's overstimulated! The worst was the one who kept trying to get him to drink some water because "We have a rule in our house -- if water comes out, like crying or sweating, water has to go in!" Uh, gee, thanks but, this is not YOUR house. Back off people!

After about 15 minutes, Adam calmed down on his own, as I knew he would, and we cuddled a bit and he was happy for the rest of the night.

New Years Eve

After a fun day visiting with Meredith and Joe (Lawyerish) and their guests, Allison, David and the beautiful Maggie, we spent New Year's Eve relaxing and watching the Wiggles. Its quite a sea change from so many disappointing New Year's Eves in the past - to be completely happy with so little -- which is really so much.

Happy New Year.